Dear Vehicle Consumers:
Imagine this. The average temperature of the Earth rising. A gigantic piece of ice falling in the arctic causing a surge of water to splash across continents. Polar bears standing on coffee table-sized pieces of ice, looking at photographers with their best baby face impressions. These are common images used to discuss global warming. One common suggestion to relieve this problem is for everyone to buy electric vehicles. I'm here to tell you that this is not the answer to our problems.
Electric vehicles are a sad fad that have grown in popularity over the last decade. They are trendy because everyone wants to be like famous environmental activist Paris Hilton and save the world. Critics of global warming have been voicing support of electric vehicles like these cars are the second coming. All of this talk is just talk, and we have to ask ourselves, how is changing the fuel in our vehicles going to help poor Gigi, the polar bear, live on a solid piece of water?
Electric cars are running on one of the deadliest forces of nature. Electricity. Billions of people all around the world are affected by lightning, which is essentially streaks of electricity flying through the air. Reports from respectable sources such as Fox News and Twitter show crying dogs, babies, and women with perfect hair who have been negatively affected. Does anyone even know where lightning strikes? There could be millions of unreported deaths because people are too busy taking pictures of the rain and posting them to Facebook while their neighbors are electrocuted into crisps all over their backyards! Electricity can not be a trusted source of energy for the vehicles that we drive every day.
Gasoline powered cars are far better for the world since they are powered by an endlessly renewable resource. There were billions of dinosaurs on this planet before they kicked the can and the oil that is created from their bones is a great way to recycle the remains and give them to the people. Tell that to Paris Hilton; she will thank you for recycling.
We also have to think about the economy. Countless amounts of money have been put into the engineering of gasoline powered vehicles all over the world. To switch to electric vehicles would cause all of this research and development to go to waste. That would be like closing down all of the tobacco processing plants. We might as well flush all of our hard earned money down the toilet right now.
For the people who want to buy an electric vehicle like a Tesla Model S or Nissan Leaf, please reconsider your choice because there are far better ways to travel. After all, you don't want to drive a sissy vehicle all your life. If you want style, get a new Cadillac Escalade. Everyone who drives these SUVs portrays an undeniable cool everywhere they take it. The new 2015 model even has LED headlights, which add to the hip factor. You can take advantage of its V8 engine while you're at it so you can pull that boat you have been eyeing. Another fantastic option would be an SRT Viper. Assembled right here in America in bankrupt Detroit (they really need the money). This hand built sports car with its enormous V10 engine is just the car that people want to be seen in. However, it is only available with a manual transmission, so be prepared to have it delivered straight into your garage so that you don't have to drive it anywhere. Make sure to find a way to fill the tank because you need to recycle. These are just a couple of the great vehicles that can enhance your class and show you are a real person rather than a fad. Gigi will thank you.
In the end, the fate of the world rests in your hands. You can choose to drive a car that uses deadly energy or you can choose the one that recycles. Which one sounds better? The sissy vehicle is going to kill all of us in the end. Gasoline powered vehicles are simply the better choice: they recycle material, give you class, and save the polar bears. After looking at all the great things gasoline powered cars do, why would you buy anything else?
Thank you for considering my letter.
Edward A. Rockefeller
American Representative of BP