Written by Brooke
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Tags: Medical

Thursday, 1 May 2014

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TEMPE, AZ-With voices articulating sounds quickly and clearly, medical physicians from around the country came together to Tempe Arizona to announce their new, allegedly brilliant method of perfecting an approach to diagnostic medicine. These vigorous doctors are coming up with profound ways to make the industry more efficient by simply raising their number of patients. If doctors can increase clientele, more patients will be aided in a single day of labor and more lives will be saved.

The first step to raising the number of patients that a physician can save in a day is reducing each patient's appointment time. "The patients won't mind paying the same copay for less time with the doctor because they will be cured faster!" said the ecstatic Dr. Duh Slittle of Lifeline Medical Care as he threw up his hands. "We want to get them healthy and back on the streets as fast as possible."

Patients are cured with drugs so the only logical way to cure patients faster is to give them more prescription medication at higher doses. Anxious to get back in the field, Dr. S. Lacker quickly explained that "There's not enough time to test the patient for drug allergies or to bore their heads off with the myriad of dangerous effects of the medication listed on each bottle. We could make better use of our time trying to teach a sloth the proper form of a perfectly executed high five," he said as he paced back and forth with his hands meticulously tapping the side of his chin; every touch seemed to make his head surge with brilliant ideas and cures for his helpless patients.

Dr. Skumb Aag saw it as a win-win situation, as most patients can be cured faster without any real thought or effort. Those who have bad reactions to the medicine or suffer the incredibly rare effects of the fine print will just give hospitals and doctors more business. The patients will in turn have the experience of a lifetime, as their visits to the hospital will be the closest they ever come to high society living. Who can complain about that? "It's so simple," the doctor added with his attention averted to his prescription notepad, preparing for his afternoon flood of patients. "I don't know how anyone didn't come up with it before."

The best part to this new method of medicine is that there's no pressure on the physician to get the diagnosis right. "If you don't know what's wrong with someone, there's no need to dent your pride and make them think you aren't the invincible medical wonder they take you to be," exclaimed neurologist M. T. Head. "You can completely avoid the situation by claiming that a different physician specializes in their need, so you give them a reference and you're off the hook!" A doctor can know as little as how to patch up a kid with a Band-Aid and still be able to run his own practice if they have perfected the art of referring.

Doctors everywhere are working quickly to give patients the best results possible, and these new methods of medicine are proving to be the right way to do it. Though painstakingly strenuous, physicians are willing to take extra-long lunch breaks to rejuvenate their incisive minds to their highest medical performing power. Urologist P. Simself leaked information on the simple yet arduous tasks that physicians sacrifice themselves to do. "It's like a game of Twister. All you have to do is maneuver yourself so that you can have the easiest access to every colored circle on the playing mat. Don't mind that the opponents won't have room to play and that you're pushing them to the floor so you can have your right foot on blue; they're not the ones that have to get up every morning to the most important job on the planet."

It's not a coincidence that seemingly all physicians drive Audi R8s or Porche 300 Cayman S's. It might be one of the only reasons why physicians stay in the medical field at all. With the constant stress of deciding which stickers and lollipops to leave at reception, it's no wonder that doctors need the extra motivation to get them to work each day.

But there's nothing to fear. These alacritous doctors appear willing to do everything they can to ensure the best care for their sickly, feeble patients.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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