Written by Chrissy Benson
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Wednesday, 30 April 2014

image for Greenest Man Ever? By Having No Impact on World, New York Man Dies with NO Carbon Footprint When it comes to carbon footprints, "greener-than-green" Mike Putnam (*not his real photo) was as "low-carb" as it gets.

During his lifetime, New York City resident Mike Putnam was never known to be much of an environmentalist, but, posthumously, he's gained repute as one of the greenest people ever to populate the planet, having managed to leave this world without leaving any carbon footprint whatsoever - largely by not having had even the slightest impact on the world.

Simply put, if Putnam is remembered at all, it will be for being utterly and environmentally unmemorable.

Putnam, who was a white-collar professional of some sort, reported daily to an office, where he did log on to a computer. However, forensic anthropologists report no evidence of his work-related actions having had any detectable effect on his outside surroundings or environment, including the global temperature. In other words, when it comes to environmental footprints, Mike was as "low-carb" as it gets.

Socially, Mike (or Michael; it remains unclear which moniker Putnam preferred), had not even a trace impact, negative or otherwise, on his surroundings. None of his acquaintances remembers being hurt, touched, validated, or in any way affected by him. While little information was recovered regarding Mike's romantic relationships, it does not appear that he ever fathered any children, ordered flowers for a family member or significant other, or even made a reservation at a restaurant.

Summarized Putnam's environmentally-conscious neighbor, Leah Campbell, who initially had a difficult time recalling anything at all about Putnam, who lived next-door to her for twelve years, "When he was alive, I probably would have said that Mike/Michael had no life. Now, I see that, from an environmental perspective, it was the best life ever. He was greener than green. He was aqua!"

Campbell added that she still was not sure whether Putnam was the tall, gawky thirty-something guy with longish hair who might have had a cat, or the professor-type from Queens. Indeed, the nature of Putnam's appearance remains an open question, since, by all accounts, Putnam left no visual impression on anyone in his immediate vicinity.

Putnam's remarkably low-impact existence has drawn praise from figures as wide-ranging as Power of Now author Eckhart Tolle. In fact, announced Tolle, Putnam's ineffectual life and largely unnoticed death even inspired him to write a new book, The Karma-Free Path, to be released this month.

Noted Tolle, "This was someone who embodied the Buddhist principles of non-self. Nothingness. Nirvana. The things to which we all aspire."

Tolle offered these final words for Mike/Michael Putnam: "Rest in peace, oh greenest of men. We should all be so green."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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