Written by KendoMonkey
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Tuesday, 17 June 2003

I don't want to start some cocksure diatribe about how everything is dumb except me. I don't want to stick my fingers in my ears and shout endless incantations about wishing death and disease on everyone I encounter. I don't want to go to work in a morning.

But these are all things that I do end up doing.

The world is in a hell of a state, and I thought I'd let you know about it. The easiest way to describe our collective hell is to go through a typical day of my own.

I wake up at about 6:30. By this point I've had about 5 hours sleep, interrupted because I'm stressed to hell and thinking about death and decay and things like that.

I go downstairs to find that the place is a shit-mess because I have a wife and 2 children. If it was just me here, there'd be a dirty plate on the table and a mug or two floating around. And that's about it. But no - your "God" plagued me with having to cope with 3 virtual strangers in my house who shit up everything and steal all my money.

One of the little satanic bastard children wakes up at about 7am and starts shouting the whole damn place down. Now, I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but I can only conclude that the child is possessed and insane - not a brilliant combination. The other of Beelzebub's little jive-bunnies won't be out of his cavern until I'm left the house, so I don't really give two shakes of a rat's arse about that. In fact, I'm probably grateful.

The wife. Ah, what a hideously monstrous site that is. She looks like two invisible skunks are taped to her cheeks like sideburns and are farting continously. Do I really look that bad to her that she gives me those evil glares? Do I do terrible things to her and the kids? Do I?

I leave the house as early as possible, muttering my unfelt-goodbyes, only so that I don't get in trouble. To be honest I'm wishing for house-wide subsidence to swallow them into their graves.

I get into work and I'm reasonably happy in my own little world. Except that I'm not allowed to be in my own little world because the people I work with are annoying and wish to make me as unhappy as possible. The danger is that I will go mental and throw myself out of a window. And those chirpy little office bastards know it, too.

Do you know what? I really can't bear to write any more about my life and the state of the world. I'll leave that till another time.

Rot in hell.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

79 readers are online right now!

Go to top