Written by Ugly Fat Guy
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Tags: flight, India

Wednesday, 28 March 2007

*crackle*

*hiss*

*beep*


"Good afternoon. This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight A-616.

We're right now cruising at an altitude of.... errr...
Aah! Found it!
32,000 feet and we're flying.. errr..
Pretty slow..
You see, the co-pilot had stale Tandoori chicken & I can't push these rusty thrusters single-handedly. So, because we're flying at half our speed, we'll probably be twice as late. Don't worry though.. The delay in time is directly proportional to the amount of time the co-pilot spends in the little girls' room, which, by the way is the restroom to your right, lest you step inside and die of asphyxiation.

Anyway, as I was saying... please co-operate with our air-hostesses. We're terribly understaffed already as two of our best stewardesses had to visit the emergency room today because of a heart attack induced by high cholesterol and plain old age.
I'd also like to issue a warning that if any of the passengers get frisky and try to paw any one of our 'mature' air hostesses, they'll have have to deal with me first...
Yes... In private...
In my umm... Private cabin...
mmhmm...
Oh yeah...

*cough*
ahem...

As we're cruising at a very high altitude, I'd advise everyone to stay at their seats and not try to jump out of any of the broken windows while we play the evergreen famous 'Hum Aapke Hain Koun' which was a superhit in 19... errr...
I don't quite remember... Anyway, it was famous back then okay? A few international delegates who are forced to travel frequently with us know the dialogues by heart..

Also, please pay attention when the stewardess comes around asking for what you'd like to have for dinner. A small in-flight secret I'd like to share among you. Always ask for the burnt Chicken Wings instead of the Grilled Sandwiches as they're poisonous.
If you're asleep when they come around asking you, you're as good as dead... Which I'd say you already are, choosing this airline in the first place...


And now, we move on to the main security instructions...

Oh come on!
You know the drill...

Those emergency doors on either side... To open them you gotta... Oh come on! The instructions are written over there... Read 'em yourself!
Anyway, the rest, you know... yada yada... blah blah...

& ONE very important thing! Do not bother the air hostesses unless it's a dire emergency. Like if someone is running amok brandishing a firearm...
Which is likely, coming to think of it, considering the inefficiant security...
However, we do not encourage complaints such as, "the 'fat lady' next to me is pushing me off my seat."
We are also not going to accept claim that you saw advertisements for the airline where the seats looked king-size. We used midgets for the ad...


Anyway, I hope I've summed up all you needed to hear about our flight to Tokyo, Japan...
We should be reaching our destination early tomorrow morning at... errr...

No... No... Hold on there...
IF we've left today, we should've gotten there yesterday! No... No... That's not quite right...
If we left yesterday, we'd reach today... Nope... Not that either...
Japan is 1... 2... 3... Oh darn I lost count... Now how many hours is it forward by? Or wait...
IS it forward or backward in time?

So, if we left Delhi at 12 p.m...
No! Come on! Let us be realistic. Which plane ever leaves on time? So, after considering an hour extra to wait for the crew to make it through the traffic to the airport...

And that bathroom call that took ages! I think it took exactly 46 minutes... Which reminds me... Don't anybody visit 'Pyarelal ka Dhabba'!
Ok... So that one hour and 46 minutes... And the delay in baggage transport because the boys were playing rummy...
Now the average speed of the baggage carrier is roughly around 24 kmph carrying around 40 individual pieces of luggage of various shapes & sizes. Now, if we consider each suitcase/bag to weigh an approximate 14 kilos, the speed of the baggage carrier will reduce relatively. The distance from the baggage clearance to the plane's cargo hold should be roughly 2 km. Of course, I must also take into consideration the time wasted when the baggage carrier driver and the runway inspector shared a passionate discussion about why Saurav Ganguly should be kept on the Indian Cricket team...


Oh! Why am I even bothering! I failed math all my life!
Which goes to show, children, that you don't have to study hard to make it big in life. Just sleep around a lot and tell your parents to stick it! You just listen to your captain 'uncle' and you'll go a long way...


Anyway, passengers... I think I'll stop boring you now & let you get on with the movie...

Thank you all for listening to me and I'd also like to let you know that since I've been doing everything but flying the plane, we're miles off course and maybe you should call your loved ones to share a heart-to-heart last conversation...

I hope you all make your call... Haha! Make your call! Get it?

Oh wait... I just realised... I don't think your networks will work because we're underwater...
Oops!
That's one big blooper right there! Haha...
Anyway, cheerio and all that jazz..."


*click*

*buzz *
*crackle*

"Oh wait! I almost forgot to tell you all the most important thing...
Thank you for flying Air India... Come again!"

*click*

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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