Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Tags: GOP, Paul Ryan

Monday, 14 April 2014

image for The Beatitudes, Updated and Appended to the Recently Passed Ryan Budget

Seeing the hungry crowds, Jesus went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him.

2 And Jesus opened his mouth and yelled at the hungry and destitute crowds, shouting:

3 "Cursed are the poor in spirit, for they are the moochers and the takers!

4 "Cursed are those who mourn, or anyone who needs to be comforted, the saps!

5 "Blessed are the meek, especially those who work for the job creators!

6 "Cursed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they are no doubt altruistic statists whom my disciple Paul Ryan despises!

7 "Cursed are the merciful, especially those who show mercy toward the moochers and the takers!

8 "Cursed are the pure in heart; they should get a real job and quit pining away about the "poor" and unemployed!

9 "Blessed are the job creators, for they shall be called sons of God!

10 "Cursed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake. They should pick up a copy of Atlas Shrugged and see what real persecution feels like!

11 "Cursed are you when you revile the Koch Bros. and utter all kinds of evil against them falsely simply because they own half of Washington and the Supreme Court!

12 Fuck off and go die, for your reward is great in that heaven which my good friend Ayn Rand so despises."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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