Written by Auntie Jean
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Wednesday, 2 April 2014

image for Scottish Safari - We Hunt Lichen

Saturday: Set off from Euston Station bound for Anglesey. Arrived at 14.05 hrs to be greeted by Lichenologist Hans Nisan Bumpsadaisy. Hans relieves us of his £500 fee and goes to buy a crate of whisky. Alcoholic, Hans wasn't seen again until we found him drunk in the forest the following morning.

Sunday: Hunted for Hans in the forest and found him singing and exposing himself to a group of Benedictine nuns at the side of the forest path. Called the police on my mobile. Went back to hotel to watch Corrie Omnibus.

Monday: Breakfasted on Barra Brith and Rarebit. Packed cameras and set off to get photographs of Lichen. Encountered a cheerful party of German Nudists who informed us that we had to disrobe as this was the nudist Lichen spotting section of Anglesey. Spent a couple of hours getting bitten all over by midges and trying not to stare at the naked Germans.

Tuesday: Asked the landlady about the nudist section of the Lichen forest, but she said it was a glitch in the Sat Nav system, the place was constantly full of lost nudists.

Wednesday: Took the films to be developed and spent the day drinking whisky with Hans who had run out of money and was sober when I found him. Got arrested and charged with voyeurism.

Thursday: Released on bail, but re-arrested for having indecent photographs of naked German people. Bailed again.

Friday: Homeward bound covered in Calamine Lotion to ease midge bites and skin infection of Lichen Planus everywhere.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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