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Tuesday, 25 March 2014

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Morely Unsafer: Welcome back to 42-and-a-half minutes. Vladimir Putin's annexation of Crimea has drawn international outrage. Rudy Giuliani calls him a "true leader"-what is he smoking?-but pretty much everyone else is pissed. Our next guest is Russia expert and addiction counselor Vasily Strokinoff.

Usafer: Mr. Strokinoff, what is Vladimir Putin's problem?

Strokinoff: Putin is an addict-he needs to keep invading bigger and bigger territories in order to get a buzz. He will not stop until he has destroyed his own life and those of millions of others!

Unsafer: Let's say you're right-What can anybody do?

Strokinoff: I recommend an intervention.

Unsafer: A military intervention?

Strokinoff: Yes, by his closest enemies. He needs to be put in a 12-step pogrom-I mean program.

Unsafer: 12 steps? Like AA?

Strokinoff: TA. Tyrants Anonymous. He could start the first group.

Unsafer: Let's say Putin checks into rehab-would he really be able to change?

Strokinoff: First, he must admit he cannot control his lust for power or for being photographed wearing no shirt. Then, we have to make him believe that only a power greater than himself can restore him to sanity.

Unsafer: A greater power? You mean God?

Strokinoff: I mean the United States of America.

Unsafer: USA! USA!

Strokinoff: He also must confess his wrongs to another human being. I recommend the Pope, Angela Merkel, or one of the members of Pussy Riot. Then he must make a list of all those he has harmed and make amends to them all.

Unsafer: That's a lot of amends!

Strokinoff: Finally, having had a spiritual awakening, he must carry the message to power-mad tyrants everywhere.

Unsafer: Like Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe, or Kim Jong Il in North Korea!

Strokinoff: Yeah, and don't forget Chris Christie.

Unsafer: That's all the time we have left on 42-and-a-half mintues. Good night.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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