WASHINGTON D.C. - As Vladimir Putin defies Washington's wishes, millions of Americans are left asking questions that would never be asked in other first-world countries. Spare yourself some embarrassment and commit this info to memory. Also, change the subject if someone brings all this up in conversation.
1) Is it "The Ukraine" or "Ukraine"?
Short answer: Who the hell cares?
Long answer: It's been "The Ukraine" right up until this conflict. Now, as of two weeks ago, we learn that Ukrainians don't like the word "the."
2) How big is Ukraine?
Short answer: Not interested.
Long answer: About the size of Texas and Oklahoma combined, then subtract out Connecticut and two or three Rhode Islands.
3) Millions of people speak Russian and and some White Russian? The difference?
Short answer: dunno
Long answer: Two ounces of vodka, one ounce of coffee liqueur, light cream.
4) What are Crimean Tatars?
Short answer: Yum.
Long answer: They come baked, mashed, scalloped, fried, and roasted.
5) What is Ukraine's national anthem called (and why does it feel so funny not to type "the" in front of "Ukraine")?
Short answer: "Ukraine has not yet died"
Long answer: "The Ukraine has not yet died"