Today we welcome what we are told will be a lighthearted and insightful column by our usual feminist commentator, Val-Grace MacDorkin. Take it away, Val!
Many Lesbian Feminists miss out on opportunities to connect with the general public by overlooking popular culture. I will never do this, I love popular culture, so long as it involves no males. Today I am looking at the Sunday Funnies, or Comic Strips as they are sometimes known. You will notice they are called funnies, and indeed this is true, for they contain clues about the upcoming extermination of the Male Race and this pretty goddamned funny ha ha ha!
The worst comic strip is the Family Circus. It is nothing more than propaganda for history's most insidious lie, the White Family Structure, what with its insidious program of male dominance and female servitude, all dedicated to cranking out more little breeder brats. The mom is kind of cute though. The boy, he is hopeless. What a dumb little kid. Do you think the girl will grow up to be a lesbian? She will if she gets a taste of my pussy. I might not even wait till she is eighteen, ha ha ha! Cry over that, all you heterosexual Father Pigs and your comic strip surrogate too! I am coming for all your daughters, real or imagined!
Garfield, a typical lazy male pig. Sitting around all day waiting for his keeper to bring him lasagna, which is a pretty good dish by the way, so long as it is not prepared by male hands. His pathetic homo servant John, a typical example of the castrated loser male. He would like to be female, but he will never make it. Here we have both types of male, the asshole and the loser. What a bore. Another hopeless comic strip meant to amuse male assholes, who see themselves as Garfield. Lazy male scum, all of them. Choke on your goddamned lasagna, fatass male pig oppressor cat!
I'll bet you are wondering who my favorite Peanuts characters are. It's not Charlie Brown, you know that. Give me a break! Or Linus, that little thumbsucking pansy. Some of you are shocked to hear a lesbian making fun of homosexuals. What kind of feminist is that? I have only one problem with homosexuals: they are men. If they were lesbians they would be okay. I say a male is a male, and no amount of homosexuality will ever change that. Male dogs, all of them. I'll bet most of you are willing to bet Peppermint Patty is my favorite character. She is the token lesbian, after all. Peppermint Patty and her little Maoist sidekick, Marcie. Marcie is just a little lackey, forget about her. Peppermint Patty will pull out a gun and shoot her one day, I am sure of it. The reigning queen always kills off her servants. But there is a secret lesbian hiding in the comic strip, hidden but plain as day. I am talking about Lucy. Come on, you didn't actually think Lucy was straight. She might not be as obvious a dike as Peppermint Patty, but she is still pretty damn butch and way more alluring. Look how she spends all her time finding ways to torture Charlie Brown. Every time he tries to kick the football, she pulls the football away and lets him fall in agony. Hilarious! I never get tired of it. And she sets up a fake psychiatry shop just to fuck with his mind. At the end of the day he goes home more fucked up than ever thanks to this brave little dike. Now that is a true lesbian. Lucy, you are the Bitch Goddess of my heart.
You will notice I am focusing on North American comic strips. I know this is an unfortunate cultural oversight, but it is symptomatic of our cultural racism, not my own. Please do not write me letters telling me I am racist, trust me I have eaten more black pussy than you ever will. I would like to write about more comic strips of color but I am poor and cannot afford to get the Malaysian newspapers. I have to loiter at the public library for my newspapers and internet access. They threw me out several times because they said I was muttering and bothering the other patrons. Finally the manager stepped up and said it was wrong to deny library access to the mentally ill. He was a rare good one, so I will not stab him in the heart. Too many times!
So my knowledge of comic strips in other lands is rather limited. In England they have Andy Capp, the most degrading comic strip of all. Andy Capp is a misogynist pig oppresser of the female race, but you'll notice he has to be drunk to do it. Typical male coward. I bet they have some good Palestinian comic strips. No doubt they have some good insights on the male pig power structure of Israel.
I am in a rare good mood today, that is why my column has been so lightearted and fun. The doctors have me on a new drug called Abilify, do you think it is working? Let me know if you have enjoyed my column. Some feminists won't let men write them letters, they have their sites rigged to block messages from males. Not me, I welcome their foolish abuse, in fact it amuses me. Go ahead, male pig, send me an e-mail, if your cowardly heart can stand to be insulted and humiliated by a Real Womyn. Until next time, we will keep fighting the good fight, me and my little comic strip sister Lucy.