According to the latest buzz from health clubs and fitness gurus, the formerly wildly popular Paleo Diet has been supplanted by the new Sociopath or "Socio" Diet, which skyrockets meat-centric eating to new dimensions of amorality. Sources say the Socio Diet has particularly caught fire in high-power urban centers like New York City and Washington, D.C.
Want to incorporate some "Socio" into your diet but not sure how? Here are the top ten tips for sustaining and even boosting your sociopathy levels through what you eat:
1) Embrace the Socio mantra: ALL IS FOOD! For some unfortunate diet-obsessed folks, food is everything - but for the Socio eater, the reverse is true; everything is food. Everything, yes, everything, animate or inanimate, living or dead, exists solely for your consumption (and/or pleasure, profit, exploitation). So consume away!
2) Support factory farming! Hunting and gathering, not to mention gardening (gag me with a spade!), are for sissies; factory farming is the wave of the future. It's smart, it's sadistic, it's oh-so-Socio! Support it with your food dollars and by promoting ag-gag legislation to ensure that no one's constitutional rights ever interfere with the institutionalized imprisonment and torture of farmed animals.
3) Eat live bugs! Sound gross? Well, maybe it is, a little, but eating a wriggling roach or two now and again demonstrates that you can, and should, do whatever the f*** you want to, just for the damned hell of it! Like chickens, pigs, cows, and all other living beings, bugs are here solely for you. So give that pesky housefly an inside view of your innards!
4) OCCUPY your meals! Sprawl out in your chair, unbutton your jeans, drool over your (rare) prime rib, belch loudly at every opportunity. Your meals are your territory - occupy them!
5) Demand faster food! You have nations to plunder, oil pipelines to build, small businesses to oust from the marketplace - you can't be bothered waiting for your next meal at Chick-fil-A. Rule of thumb: if you have to wait at all, it's not fast enough! Adopt a zero-tolerance policy for anything more than 30-second food service.
6) Eat mayo by the day-o! When it comes to cruelty-based food items, mayo is tough to beat for its battery-caged-hen-roots and the havoc it wreaks on your arteries. Make it a daily staple. And remember, mayo doesn't have to be just a condiment; it can be the centerpiece of your sandwich.
7) Return to your animal-torturing roots! Remember how as a kid you loved to tear the wings off flies and pull off spiders' legs one by one? Well, when it comes to those live bugs you're eating (see Socio Tip #3, above), you can return to your childhood hobbies to enhance your eating pleasure. Try eating those live creepy-crawlies bit by delicious bit - wings, then torso, then head. Oh, if only flies could scream...
8) Experiment with cannabilistic phrases! "You're so cute I could just eat you up!" "I'd like to taste me some of that." Say it to your partner, your pet, and then to your plate of animal flesh - to remind humans that while you may not be eating them at the moment, you could, and would, if you really, really wanted to.
9) Observe Foie Gras Friday! The quintessential Socio food is, of course, foie gras: the engorged livers of force-fed ducks and geese. For that reason, the aspiring Socio should make it a habit to ingest foie gras at least once per week. Meatless Monday is for compassionate losers; Foie Gras Friday is the Socio way to go!
And last but not least...
10) "Humanely" (snigger, snigger) raise your own pigs! No, this tip does not contradict Socio Tip #2, "Support factory farming!" Any Socio worth his salt knows how to build a relationship on deception and betrayal. Baby pigs, who are naturally affectionate and fun-loving, like puppies, make ideal targets for your Socio scheming.
And so, name your piglets, nurture them, raise them in a pleasant backyard environment that would do Michael Pollan (indeed, Pollan is the perfect role model for this particular Socio tip) proud. And then, once your pigs have come to completely love and trust you, send them off to slaughter and revel in their terror, their hurt, their earth-shattering sense of betrayal. That's right, those little buggers had no idea who they were dealing with - you showed them!
For additional tips on enhancing your Socio flair, visit the Socio website: www.supportmonsanto.web