Written by Patrick Parkinson
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Sunday, 2 March 2014

image for WWE owner Vince McMahon's proposals for Changes in Football

Rumours have circulated over the last week that Professional Wrestling company owner Vince McMahon has been enquiring about the possibility of buying English football team Newcastle United FC. However, the WWE Chairman has made a series of proposals about how to change the game to make it connect more with the professional wrestling audience.

1.) Newcastle United will rename themselves "The Newcastle Extreme" and their players will descend onto the pitch from the roof of St James Park via a zip line to the sound of Motorhead's "The Ace of Spades"

2.) Before the matches the Newcastle players will arrive in a stretch limo half-drunk and give trash talk to the camera about how they are going to beat the other team. They will also attack the other team's coach when it arrives and Newcastle stewards will crush it into a cube during the match.

3.) Vince McMahon is allowed to join the commentary team during Newcastle matches to promote how good they are as a team and order the other commentators to address him as "Mr McMahon"

4.) Goals will not count if the referee is distracted by Newcastle staff or Vince McMahon himself flailing their arms and shouting at them. If the referee is ever knocked unconcious then weapons are allowed in all games.

5.) Every Newcastle player must have their own nickname printed on the back of their t-shirt. Examples would be Tim "Krusher" Krul and "Big Sexy" Papa Cisse.

6.) If new signings are not cheered enough by fans then Vince McMahon will run out onto the pitch and physically provoke them and claim to have slept with their mother until the player builds the courage to assault Vince McMahon to the delight of the crowd. New signings will also have their names legally changed and marketed as a completely new player that was found by Vince McMahon. Commentators are not allowed to mention the players previous clubs and must kept saying "Where did they find this amazing guy?"

7.) As well as the two nets on the pitch, a special mystery net will be placed somewhere in the arena. This could either be found in the car park outside, in the showers or on the roof. Goals scored in this net are worth 3 goals.

8.) During end of the match interviews, managers are allowed to attack each other whilst still on camera.

9.) Newcastle United's manager Alan Pardew will be fired in front of a live crowd by Vince McMahon himself. Security will throw him into a casket and he will be thrown down a flight of stairs. His replacement will be a blonde and large-breasted woman who will gain the attention and affection of Fourth Officials during the games by bending over and taking off her top. She will use this to get more decisions to go Newcastle's way.

10.) If a game ends in a draw then a giant cage will be lowered over the pitch and the winner will be determined by whichever team can climb out of the cage first.

11.) In the event Newcastle finally reach a major trophy final at Wembley Stadium then Vince McMahon will run onto the pitch and knock out his star striker as he is about to score a goal. He will then hand the trophy to the other team and announce that he secretly had bought the other team and pretended to be owner of Newcastle United in order to screw them out of the trophy.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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