Written by Gee Pee
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Saturday, 1 March 2014

Has-been child actress Destiny Hope Cyrus, born November 23, is a "recording artist." The daughter of country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, she changed her name to Miley when, after a role in the television series Big Fish Lips in 2006, she received a casting couch call which landed her the part of teen idol Miley Stewart on the Disney Channel television series Hannah's Mons Veneris. Due to her youth, the promiscuous-that is, precocious-nymphet was originally characterized as being "full of sugar and spice," but she later reinvented herself, first as "naughty but nice," and, later, as simply "naughty is nice."

After signing a recording contract with Hollyweird Records in 2007, Cyrus released her debut studio album Miley's Meat. It was certified quadruple-platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) for exceeding four million shipments, and produced the hit single "I See Naked People."

In 2008, Cyrus released her second album, Acne Breakout, which featured the successful track "7 Zits" and launched her film career as the voice "actress" in the animated film Dolt. In 2009, Cyrus starred in the feature film Miley's Meat: The Movie, the soundtrack of which produced the hit single "Slime Me."

Cyrus developed a Lolita image with Lust for Life (2009), which featured the successful track "Party in the U.S.A." The transition continued with her third album, Can't Be Tamed (2010); however, it was the lowest-selling record of her career, because her fans, such as they were, did not find her sexy, despite her aspiration to be perceived, onstage, at least, as a slut.

Cyrus focused on trying to resurrect her failed acting career with several television and film appearances throughout 2011 and 2012, but she was unsuccessful, because she couldn't act.

Later, Cyrus starred in the coming-of-age film The Last Dong. During its production, she was involved in an on-again, off-again orgasm with her co-star Liam Hemsworth; the couple ultimately separated in 2013, after ending their year-long affair.

Cyrus later signed a recording contract with RCA Records, and garnered publicity by performing sex acts on film to promote her fourth studio album Bang Her (2013). Its singles "I Can't Stop Making Love to You" and "Wrecking Balls" were promoted with provocative music videos; the latter became her first number-one hit on the U.S. Billboard Hot-to-Trot 100.

Raised as a Christian, she was baptized in a Southern Baptist church prior to moving to Hollyweird in 2005, but the baptism didn't "take," and, although she attended church religiously and even wore a purity ring, she found the temptations of the the world, the flesh, and the devil too much to resist. In 2001, when she was eight, she and her family moved to Toronto, Canada, which is when things in her life began to go desperately wrong. After Billy Ray took her to see a 2001 Mirvish production of Mamma and Me! at the Royal Alexandra Theatre, Cyrus grabbed his arm and told him, "This is what I want to do, daddy. I want to be an actress."

She began taking singing and acting classes at the Armstrong Acting Studio in Toronto, from which she "graduated" at the bottom of her class. Nevertheless, she showed talent on the casting couch, and she was offered a bit part, as a talking vagina on The Adventures of Skankboy and Pajamagirl in 3-D but turned it down for Hannah's Mons Veneris. After the casting couch call, Cyrus was initially told that she was too young and too tight for the part. However, the series' producers invited her for further "auditions" in private, and her "persistence" paid off when she was able to "loosen up a little." The following year, Cyrus received the lead part. A hit, Hannah's Mons Veneris propelled Cyrus to teen idol status.

As Cyrus' career flowered, her mother, Tush, made several critical decisions regarding her daughter's representation. She considered signing Cyrus with Mitchell Gossett, director of the youth division at Cunningham Escort Services, but, on the advice of Cyrus' godmother, country singer Dolly Parton, Tush instead signed Cyrus with More Money Management Group. A reporter for The Hollyweird Reporter described Parton's recommendation as "the best advice [Tush] could [have gotten] on who should rep her daughter." Tush also recruited Billy Ray's business manager to manage her daughter's finances. Tush herself continues to co-manage or produce many of Cyrus' questionable career decisions.

For her education, Cyrus enrolled at Options for Youth Charter Schools and studied with a "private tutor" behind the scenes during her television show. "He taught me everything I know," Cyrus gushed.

The bisexual theme song for Hannah's Mons Veneris, "Being Bi Is Having the Best of Both Worlds," was released on March 28, 2006. She also released a sexy duet with her father, "All I know, I Learned from You," which, due to its provocative nature, set tongues to wagging.

During the fall of 2007, the Bisexuality Really Is the Best of Both Worlds Tour was launched, and Cyrus toured from October 17, 2007, to January 31, 2008, performing lewd on stage with stops in the United States and Canada.

In April 2008, a teen hacker (rumored to be Cyrus herself) "leaked" provocative photographs of Cyrus in her underwear. Cyrus described the images as "silly, inappropriate shots" and whined, "I am going to make mistakes and I am not perfect. I never intended for any of this to happen and I am truly sorry if I have disappointed anyone." On April 25, 2008, Entertain Me Tonight reported that a fifteen-year-old Cyrus had posed topless for a photo shoot taken by photographer Annie Leibovitz for Vanity's Fair. Her market value increased "astronomically" following the Vanity's Fair controversy.

Cyrus also co-wrote and recorded the song "I Thought I Lost You When You Turned Gay" as a duet with John Travolta. On December 7, 2009, Cyrus "performed" privately for Queen Elizabeth II and numerous other members of the British Royal Family, although there is no official word regarding what Cyrus did in "performing" for the royals. However, Miley described the show-or whatever it was-as a "command performance" that she "probably wouldn't have done" otherwise.

After proposing to Cyrus, her boy toy of three years, Liam Hemsworth, decided to call off their engagement when Cyrus cut her long brown hair, adopting a blonde, pixie-style haircut; she commented that she had "never felt more butch in whole life."

In 2013, Cyrus hired Larry Rudolph as her manager, because he had previously "handled" Britney Spears. Not long after "Wrecking Balls" was released as the second single from Bang Her.

As a very young child, Cyrus was exposed to artists such as Carl Perkins, Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash and Loretta Lynn, but didn't learn anything from them. She grew up listening to Kelly Clarkson, Hilary Duff, Mariah Carey, Ashlee Simpson, and Britney Spears, but didn't learn anything from them, either. Cyrus called Dolly Parton, her godmother, "a legend living in her own mind" and said "her music ruined my whole childhood." Of Joan Jett she said, "When I was growing up, she was always who I wanted never to be," and claimed to be "black on the inside, like Li'l Kim."

Cyrus claims to be a contralto, but a contralto with a "Nashville twang." The song "Four Balls" has been noted as a prime example of Cyrus' tawdry vocals and of her general inability to carry a note. In his review of the Bisexuality Really Is the Best of Both Worlds tour, one music critic described the concert as "a nearly 90-minute blast of poop from Cyrus, who complained that she wasn't feeling well."

During her performance of "Can't Be Tamed" on Britain's Got No Talent, Cyrus grabbed a female backup dancer, dipping her low, and simulated a French kiss, and, later, during a controversial "duet" with Robin Thicke, Cyrus sang "We Can't Stop" while wearing a teddy bear negligee. When Thicke joined her onstage to sing "Blurring the Lines" with Cyrus, she stripped down to a skin-colored, latex two-piece outfit and stroked Thicke's crotch with a giant foam finger while twerking against his crotch. Even The Hollyweird Reporter found the performance "crass" and the BBC labeled it "typical of the talentless Yank." Nevertheless, the performance became the most tittered about event in history, with Titter users generating 360,000 tits about the event per minute; breaking the previous record held by Beyoncé's Super Bowl XLVII halftime show performance six months earlier.

Cyrus has been criticized as a "racist" for treating black female back-up singers as her own "private harem" and swatting them on their backsides. She is also criticized for using "little people" as "props" in one of her videos, but she defends her actions by saying, "What other jobs are there in entertainment for midgets? It's not like anyone's doing a remake or a sequel to The Wizard of Oz or midget wrestling is big anymore."

Since cutting her hair, Cyrus has outed herself as an avid supporter of gay rights, an issue she feels "passionate" about. Cyrus' song "My Heart Beats for Bi Love," on her Can't Be Tamed album, was written about one of her gay friends and is dedicated to all of her "faggot fans." In May 2013, Cyrus came out as first in Maxim's Hot Tarts of the Year, and in July 2013, she posed nude "for all my fans."

It is unclear whether Cyrus is lesbian or bisexual, but, in several interviews, she has admitted to her fondness for a mysterious female mentor named Mary Jane.

Mammography

Cyrus has appeared, naked or otherwise, in the following films:

The Emperor's New Clothes
The Sweet Life of Dick
Two-and-a-Half-Inch Men
No Underwear
Punk'd
Butt Plugged

Musicology

See above (duh)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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