Written by Frank Michaels
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Tuesday, 25 February 2014

image for God Speak - A'as God Speak studio

After thousands of years of questions and loyalties, turmoil and radicalism, wars and crusades, stonings and hostage taking, tonight the creator of the universe speaks to humanity!

(Que: Opening soundtrack music from movie, The Ten Commandments)

Good evening. I am your host, Adam Handy, and this is God Speak.

(audience applause)

Tonight's guest-deity will be determined by the spinning of a wheel. On it are the names of over two dozen gods, goddesses and deities from the entire stretch of our existence.

Now then, we will select a member of our audience to spin the wheel. Envelope please...

(muffled sound of drums and horns in the background)

Mahtoui Babbalouey, come on down!

(audience appluase)

Ms. Babbalouey, you know the rules. Just spin the wheel, step back and then have a seat over there on the front row.

(Contestant nods her head and spins the wheel)

In all of human history, there has not been an age when we did not have gods, goddesses and various other forms of deity.

Which will be invited here tonight?

(wheel slows to a stop)

And the name is...
A'as - ancient Hittite god of wisdom and culture!

(audience applause)

Now, to invite A'as for this interview, we'll activate our holographic Hittite priests to give him a call. But... while they are doing that, we'll take a break so you can gain deeper wisdoms from tonight's sponsors!

(audience applause, scene fades to commercial)

What a beautiful day. Sunny skies, a cool breeze of fresh air. It's a great time for a healthy stroll through town to gaze and window shop.

But, ooops, you just jaywalked! Here come the local police!
Quick, lay down, beg for mercy! What ever you do, take those headphones off so you can hear them demanding your submission!

Oh my, too late. You're tackled, beaten, cuffed, kicked, tasered and tossed into the backseat of their armored cruiser where TSA-trained officers probe your bodily cavities with utmost thoroughness. What can you do now?

Call the Haliday, Lynch, Goldman, Tooph, Jackson and Pollard lawfirm!
We're experienced in dealing with situations where citizens are abused and their rights discarded. We know how to get you out of being detained in undisclosed locations and see that you get home again within a few weeks and still in good enough health to be able to go to the bathroom without assistance!

Just call us or visit our website at youoweus.law

(scene returns to studio - audience applause)

Welcome back to God Speak, I'm Adam Handy and on the phone with us is ancient Hittite deity, A'as.

Good day, A'as and welcome to our show.

A'as: (slow, deep male voice) Why did you disturb me?

Your deityness, we are calling from a TV show on the All God Network. Each week we contact a god or goddess to see how they are doing.

A'as: Will you be sacrificing for me? I like virgins... especially those with red hair from the lands to the west.

No your holiness, we don't do sacrifices.

A'as: Will you be gathering an offering from your fields? I like the ale you make from grains and berries.

I'm sorry, no. The FCC doesn't permit us to offer alcoholic beverages to our guests. The reason we called was just to check in and see how... after all these centuries, an old god like you was doing now that it's all but forgotten.

(blinding light flashes and the scene goes from a Hollywood studio to ancient temple packed with devotees)

A'as: Who's forgotten now? Hmmm?

(ancient music begins with priest speaking to the crowd)

Ancient priest: Adam Handy of the year 2014, you will be today's sacrifice on the 'A'as Body Burn Show'!

(cheers, chants and ancient music pipes in as Adam is dragged away - fades to commercial)

__/|\__

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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