Written by Keith Shirey
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Tags: Jay Leno

Monday, 24 February 2014

image for Jay Leno Explains Foreign Policy

So, now that I'm retired, politics has become my hobby (next to my cars, of course). Recently, I've been trying to wrap my mind around this effort to get rid of Assad in Syria.

I think I've got it. So, say you've got this big shot Commissioner of Public Safety for a large city. And there's this terrible, vicious gang that murders and tortures a lot of people and it controls a huge territory. Its leader is named Assad.

Now, if you're the Commissioner you've got to give instructions to the Chief of Police what to do about Assad. But you don't want to make mistakes like other Commissioners did in the past when they gave orders to go into gang territory that got all kinds of cops killed and millions of resources wasted. That's because, when the remaining cops left, nothing had really changed.

Now, there are other gangs that want to take over Assad's territory and some seem like, if they won, they'd be less brutal and murderous than he an would probably cooperate with the police. So, what you do is tell the chief to commit the city's resources into backing them. Too many police have been killed or maimed in past incursions into this part of town so no cops this time.

Then you go on TV you tell the public that the gangs you've chosen are the "good guys" or "moderates." The media, who sides with the "war on crime," the "war on drugs," etc. repeats what you've said like they're an echo chamber.

But next, the gangs you've chosen sometimes practice cannibalism and shoot helpless prisoners. That's really bad public relations but most of the media don't give it much publicity. Then, some of the gangs you've chosen join Assad and some of the other gangs you're supporting start fighting each another over turf and who have the best heroes and leaders.

So, now, everything's in chaos. You, the Commissioner, hadn't been able to tell the good guys from the bad guys. In understanding literature, that's the worst mistake you can make. In politics it's not so good either!

OK, get it? The commissioner is Obama, but he's not as bad as wanna be commissioners like McCain who wanted to send in a lot of cops to get Assad in the first place. Besides, Obama is withdrawing the police from the wrong area that the really stupid commissioner, George W. Bush, sent them into.

There will be elections for a new commissioner in two years but so far the candidates are "neo-cons" like Ted Cruz who advised George W. to invade the wrong territory, and "neo-cons lite" like Hillary Clinton. They can't tell the good guys from the bad guys either. Mainly, that's because in the part of the world the huge city called America is messing with the whack jobs are in control in most places.

People who want to mess with whack jobs should have their heads examined. If you don't want to do that, put on a clown suit with a George W. Bush face.

I think I may just forget politics and stick to happy motoring.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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