Written by CaptainSausage
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Friday, 14 February 2014

image for Winter Olympics roundup The Winter Olympics: Like a more boring snowy version of Takeshi's Castle

Hi! My name's Tad Poleman and here is my official roundup of the Winter Olympics here in Sushi, Russia. We're now halfway through the Olympic Games, and it's been so exciting I haven't even written an article about it yet. So here is a summary of what's happened so far.

Who can forget Geoff Chafe winning Britain's one and only medal in the nude luge? Amazingly he beat his nearest opponent the German Hans Neesontohz by only inches, after the plucky Brit slid off the edge of his sledge and skidded over the finish line on his red raw arse. He won't be able to sit down for at least a month now but he'll be happy with that gold.

Then there's the star of the games so far, Norway's famous Olaf Breibing, who won an incredible 17 skiing medals in just one race. Those crazy Norwegians, I don't know how they do it.

We've had amazing new sports being demonstrated for the first time. There was the diathlon, which is a combination of sledging and firing a bazooka. Of course that had to be cancelled after the first round, but I'm sure it will make a comeback at the next Olympics once the safety concerns have been resolved.

A more successful demonstration sport was the ski snooker, which was won by the Finn Finn Makinitupanen. He won in a nailbiting finale after his opponent potted a snowball and skied into a tree.

Sadly there have been tragedies as well. At least five skiiers have crashed and broken their leg. Most of those have since been shot and made into glue.

But overall, you have to say it's been a good Olympics so far. And congratulations to the mighty Leichtenstein - who would have doubted that they would end up topping the medals table yet again this year.

That's been my Winter Olympics. I'd like to fly home now.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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