Kayoss News Network recently ran into God while he was getting some yogurt at Menchies. We sat down and had a casual chat where he dropped a bombshell about his role in the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah
KNN-Hey God, how you doing?
G-Not bad, how about yourself?
KNN-Allright. Do you come here often? I've never seen you here
G-Yeah, this place is the shit. I wish I had thought of it
KNN-Do you have a favorite flavor?
G- Yeah, Sinful Strawberry, but what the fuck is up with their policy of constantly changing flavors. I come in here and wait in this god awful line, Christ not even St Peter's line is this slow, and when I get to the front they dont even have the flavors I came here for. It's goddam annoying, but since I waited so long I end up buying some anyway. And what's up with all the tart flavors? Does anyone even like that shit? I ought to smite these assholes for the aggravation but I can't do that anymore
G-I learned the hard way that its probabaly not the best way to solve your problems
G-AHHH, thats a touchy subject. I've never really talked about it but its been about 3000 years since it happened so maybe I should let it out
KNN-Talking about it may make you feel better
G-Yeah I guess.........Its a period of my life that Im not so proud of. I was dating this smoking hot chick, she had a body like an angel. Anyway we were totally in love with each other, or so I thought. We were inseperable. I thought I was in heaven. It was the happiest time of my life. Everything was perfect until I introduced her to my famous cousin.
KNN-Who's that, Kanye?
G- No Satan
KNN- Ive heard of him
G- He's a complete prick. You can never trust that guy. So next thing I know shes not returning my calls or my texts
KNN-You guys had cell phones back then?
G-Yeah bro but it was not like todays phones, we all had Blackberrys. They were cool for their time but their reluctance to make a screen larger than 2 inches doomed them. Plus their apps sucked
KNN-So what happened with Satan?
G-That evil bastard stole her from me. I can only guess that she was into bad boys. I should have known better. All through high school she dressed in black and hung out with the Emo crowd.
KNN-So what did you do?
G- I went crazy for a while. Started to do every drug I could get my hands on. I was so fucked up I started hearing voices. I started believing there was a cosmic all knowing, all watching being looking over our every move.
G-Yeah crazy huh? I was out there
KNN-So how did you pull yourself out of this mess?
G-Well one day i was really fucked up. I mean I was out of my fucking mind. I looked down and saw this town called Gomorrah and got really pissed off
KNN- Why? Was Satan and your girl there?
G- No no. This place Gomorrah was always getting on my nerves
KNN- Why's that
G-Everyone who lived in that town was always super polite and cheerfull. They would constantly say please, thank you, and be overly apologetic about the littlest bullshit. It annoyed the shit out of me. People aren't nice like that. I should know I invented them. It was so fake
KNN- Kinda like Facebook today?
G- Haha, Yeah exactly. Great example. Heres a little known fact. Mormons are actually direct descendants of Gomorrans
KNN-Oh that explains a lot
G- Yeah, so in my drug induced stupor I smited all of Gomorrah.
KNN- Wow that was harsh!
G-Not really. They were annoying assholes. What i really regret is that I smited Sodom as well
KNN- What did they do?
G- Well ,remember Moses?
G- I gave that dude everything. I made him leader of the Jews. I wrote a bestselling book about him that made him a legend
KNN- What book was that
G-It was called the Bible
KNN-I've heard of it
G-I told Moses, bro just follow these 10 rules and teach your people to as well and all will be cool
KNN- So did he not follow your wishes?
G- At first he did, but then he failed to continue to teach his people.
So after I smote Gomorrah, I took a look over at Sodom and who did I see? Moses's friggin daughter stripping at Club Sodomy.
I got so pissed that I decided to teach Moses a lesson and smite his daughter. The problem was, I was so fucked up that I accidentally used to much smite and destroyed the whole city
KNN- So you killed everyone on accident?
G- Yeah. The next day when I woke up with a clear head, I felt like a total asshole. I vowed to get clean and never do that again.
KNN-And did you get clean?
G- Yup. One day at a time. Ive been clean for 3126 years now
KNN- That's great. This is all quite a revelation. How do you feel now that you've finally talked about it?
G- I think its helped
KNN-Well thanks for your time God. I have one more question before I let you go
KNN- Is that a new tattoo on your arm?
G- The one under Jesus name?
G-I tattoo all my kids names on me, to show people how much I love them
KNN- What does it say?
KNN- How's Jesus doing anyway?
G- He's doing fine. He very busy. He's involved in American politics now
KNN- Great. Thanks for your time God