Written by John E, Simonds
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Wednesday, 12 February 2014

My fellow Americans, today we face another round of criticism from our adversaries. They have accused our administration of being "feckless" in the face of the 21st Century and its many challenges.

Rather than go on the defensive and merely answer to a strict definition of the term, we will respond positively and comprehensively, just as we did when we overcame last year's charges that we were hapless, and the year before that we were listless.

We have therefore launched a multi-agency task force to explore fecklessness, its root causes and ramifications, with the goal of increasing our national feck resources. How did our great nation become feck-deficient? This and other rhetorical questions will be welcome at the table of our national conversation on fecks.

Our initiative will begin with a global inventory of fecks, world supply and demand as feck factors, determining the cause of an apparent feck shortage and how our policies might be adjusted to raise the level of feck production.

Should we relax immigration restraints against the hiring of non-resident fecks, take another look at the ban on offshore mining of fecks, thus remedying our long dependence on Middle Eastern feck supplies? We may consider tax incentives for industries creating opportunities for feck expansion, diversifying our economy and population to include more fecks in our community mainstream, and in general seek approaches to make our great land more feckworthy.

Preliminary indications show we can raise the level of feck awareness by increasing scholarship assistance to universities offering programs of feck studies. This will dovetail with our aggressive marketing campaign to recruit more participants in the cause of game-changing the numbers on fecks, moving the finish line closer to the advancing feck totals, creating a veritable red zone of feck anticipation.

Using our executive authority, we will create the Feck Economic Coordinating Council, an agency that will become its own acronym. FECC will oversee long term strategies in feck development, organizing a network of feck promotion centers in all our communities. Under its management, feck enhancement will proceed hand in hand with our national policy of feck equality.

While our affluent citizens may continue to purchase quality feck care in the private market, and those in the labor force will have access to fecks through their jobs, millions of Americans will soon experience feck care on an affordable basis.

Feck equity will grow as an important concept, as we convert acres of underused real estate into vast national fecklands in which we project harvests so lucrative, we expect to be supervising surplus reserves in carefully monitored supply depots to be known as feckpiles.

Mere numbers do not solve problems or meet our needs, as we know, and to maintain levels of feck acceptability within our production universe, an office of feck standards and control to ensure that at FECC, the quality goes in before the label goes on, that quality is more than just a slogan. It is a mantra, an anthem of faith.

As the soon-to-be-official FECC choir lifts its voices in the background, let us answer those who may criticize this effort for being too ambitious and without substance. We would remind all of how last year we turned the game around on haplessness, dramatically increasing the number of haps happening in our community, and how we overcame cluelessness, geometrically increasing the production of clues, many still being discovered, and, of course, listlessness, aimed unfairly at our national security processes. Today we have more lists than ever, and through our program of shared intelligence, many have been surprised to see their names on them.

Soon all that will remain will be hopelessness, and we approach that mountain with confidence, as feck proliferation not only defeats our critics at their own game but soon will become a household word, as common at the family dinner table as it is in our national conversation, on street corners and cable television.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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