Written by CaptainSausage
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Wednesday, 22 January 2014

image for The World in 2114 The future: it's coming, maybe not tomorrow but soon

One hundred years ago, people were rubbing their hands with excitement in anticipation of the beginning of the First World War. How times have changed! Who knows what future conflicts people might be looking forward to in a hundred more years. We asked a group of futurologists to give their predictions for what changes we can expect by 2114, even though they'll all be dead by then so they can't be criticised when they get it wrong.

Future science consultant Ian Bough said that by the end of this century, global warming would cause the sun to expand to fill half the sky. This would force people to live underground to avoid its scorching rays. The main effect of this would be that people would keep slugs and moles as pets instead of cats and dogs. Also the Winter Olympics would be cancelled, but that wouldn't affect Brits much.

It is expected that life expectancy will have increased drastically by the 22nd century, said retired priest Father Tim. He believes that the majority of humans will live to be 400 years old by then. In order to trim the numbers of old people, they will be forced to play death bingo and Russian roulette-bowls.

Ruth Snip, outspoken feminist and professor of Gender Studies at the Isle of Man had another view. She said that men would become irrelevant by 2100 and would play no further part in sexual relations with women. Sex between a man and a woman would probably be criminalised. She claimed that the human race would split into two distinct species - one male, and one female - with both men and women reproducing homosexually.

There would also be changes to the world of work. Futurologist Mystic Bob predicted there would only be two types of job in future - those done by the robots, and those done by people unfortunate enough to be clever enough to be able to program robots. Everyone else would live off government handouts. Satire would be written by robots too, but Bob said this was already happening in 2014.

Mystic Bob added that the nature of democracy would change. We would no longer have elections but benevolent robots would rule over us, making decisions based on what was trending on Twitter at that moment. Of course Twitter itself wouldn't exist any more, having been replaced by chips implanted directly into people's brains. These chips would broadcast all of our thoughts directly onto the internet, to provide a limitless pit of entertainment for everyone to ease their boredom from not having anything to do all day.

So there it is - a vision of the future, today. Now let's hope we die before it happens for real.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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