Magnus Carlsen from Norway asks:
"Auntie Jean, I am in the final of the world chess championship. Actually I am in the lavatory of the competition building and there is no toilet paper. I think my opponent has stuffed it all down the toilet to put me off my game. I was going to complete a series of moves ending in a spectacular "Carlsen checkmate" coup de gras, but now I can 't wipe my arse. Can you help please?"
Auntie Jean replies :
Magnus, in normal circumstances I would advise you to call the reception with your mobile but your mobile has been confiscated to prevent cheating, so drastic measures are called for. You must exit the cubicle and wash your posterior in a washbasin. Then you can stand on a mop bucket and dry your bum with a hand drier taking care not to toast your testicles. I hope this helps.