Written by John Peurach
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Thursday, 19 December 2013

image for Virgin Births: If At First You Don't Succeed, Keep On Well, You Know, Until Someone Of A Rumored To Be Higher-Based Nature Can Step In Long Enough To Recklessly Drive You The Rest Of The Way Home From There YOUR ADVERTISING'S JUST DANDY - Hopefully the folks don't know you didn't have anything else to not own up to.

WOONSOCKET, RHODE ISLAND - A totally head scratching - hey, you gotta start somewhere - completely idiotic-sounding new and just slightly improved study commissioned by the usual assortment of well-dressed, overly schooled village idiots - otherwise responsible for the perpetual infliction of even more unsubstantiated inconsequential myths than you can shake a stick (among other things) at in the privacy of your own Idaho, and/or, seemingly unlimited elsewhere or thereabouts destinations not yet fully unauthorizedly accessed in a manner fitting both the so far carefully managed specifications and, more importantly, the unexpressed global needs of all those with their fingers (and, all along for the slide, additional come what may body parts, as well - sounds like trouble, rhymes with hell, but that's another story) currently attached to the big picture pulse of the somewhere out there/in here, everywhere and then some, Facebooked world, as we still, more or less, know it, with or without, of course, the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball, so help you odd (and believe me, this is, in a total nutshell, and, not just who's your daddy's, but close) - apparently one in 200 young, entirely way too impressionable, easy to impress, American women reportedly claims to have experienced a (or an almost) virgin pregnancy, à la the Virgin Mary.

And, oh yeah, for those in New Jersey, a rather carefree, mostly happy-go-lucky, but still decidedly determined girl named Midge from Fort Lee who apparently needed a B+ (or better) on a recent science project in order to get her grade point average into a neighborhood that might qualify her for (possible) consideration for admission to Boston University's soon to be upcoming freshman class in September 2014.

But, then again, that really is another story.

In addition to this one, that is, and not yet all the way was, if only just because.

In still other words, USvTHEM researchers based in beautiful downtown Woonsocket, Rhode Island, peered cautiously into a long-term (without the trimmings), semi-confidential study - concerning reproductive health and the otherwise well established tradition of anyone drunk enough to not be able to properly install a condom on whatever business end is about to be successfully deployed within a variety of cozy confines, up to and including a (hopefully) any sort of well parked American made vehicle otherwise situated pretty much anywhere (except for maybe the White House lawn, and/or, in and around third base at the new Yankee Stadium - during the World Series only) within the continental United States - only to discover that 45 of the 7,870 women (not previously involved with Charlie Sheen, and surprisingly enough, 3/5's of what used to be the chart topping boy band, 'N Sync) said they had miraculously become pregnant without ever knowingly having had vaginal intercourse or going through in-vitro fertilization (after getting directions right before getting on the turnpike, so to speak) AFP (whoever they are) reports.

Of those questioned - once, of course, researchers still holding onto their pens, clipboards, and, reportedly well cooked sensible lunch, stopped laughing, and/or, wetting their collective pants - 31% claimed they had made a "chastity pledge" of the unsampled type rumored to be so popular and otherwise officially championed among major trend setting knuckle dragging mouth breathing Christian groups.

According to witnesses on the scene, otherwise waiting for any sort of pizza to arrive in 20 minutes, or less, most if not all the recklessly gathered research - Midge from Fort Lee notwithstanding, although, according to witnesses, until right before it was time to go home, standing had nothing to do with it - was published in the British Medical Journal, the Daily Racing Form, and, surprisingly enough, a left behind grocery list found in the deli at a Ralphs supermarket in Los Angeles' Wilshire District.

A lead author (whose name was withheld until his/her identity could officially be confirmed by someone claiming to be the weekend pastry taste tester for Sen. Ted Cruz R-Texas) explains: The subjects and pre-qualified no can do nouns "weren't asked a question 'Have you had a virgin pregnancy?'"

Instead, the study's soon to be stepped directly into findings were "put together from a series of questions about pregnancy history, vaginal intercourse history, and the ramifications - if any - of the Gadsen Purchase."

In addition (without apparently any noticeable need to carry either the 1 or 2), the spokesperson for the research firm (and based on all available visual accounts, it still was, although whether or not it would remain in such a full-tilt state - excluding Alabama, of course, due to its lengendary university's inability to beat Auburn in the Iron Bowl - remains to be seen, not heard, as well, as shaken, not stirred, but, then again, it's early yet) also informed anyone still listening, and/or, just playing along with the home version of their game, that it's entirely possible some of the women being questioned and repeatedly pointed at in a just slightly animated way "did not want to admit that they had intercourse," or, better yet, may have misunderstood the questions - especially the one about the capital of North Dakota.

All of which may be why oh why, the end results would at this time appear rather "unrealistic."

And, of course, reason enough for the researcher spokesperson to feel the need to also add: "We actually found a few virgin fathers during the fine tooth comb portion of our in the field well beyond the picket wire studies as well-which is a little harder to get your head, but, thankfully, not your hand around."

"Alive & Swell Science" - a Virginia-based think tank/discount home & garden center (with 35 inconvenient locations in New Mexico and South Carolina) - brought in to verify the somewhat startling findings, points out that the real benefits of the "Virgin-Tested/Who Dat-Approved" study was the increased awareness of the problems continuously inherent in researching otherwise notoriously sensitive information, not specifically already earmarked for consideration by both Homeland Security, and/or, the current on-file membership of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences: "Researchers and scientists alike with nothing to do but continually measure their Bunsen burners while no one is looking may still face challenges when gathering self-reported and/or previously non-self-censored data on sensitive topics," despite taking precautions, whether it be either waiting an hour after a meal to go swimming, or just doing not much of anything until yet another note decides it's safe again to get back up on the horse and, oh yeah, follow so, yeah, who knew?

Well, in still other, other words, now you do.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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