Written by Samuel Vargo
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Monday, 16 December 2013

image for "Change the name Redskins?! Get the hell out of My Office, it's Nap Time!"

"What about that name your neighbor and friend came up with, the Washington Bravehearts?" said RedHawk StrongSioux, on his first day of his third week on the job.

"I don't like the name Washington Bravehearts. I just don't," said Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder. "I like the name Redskins and that's the name we're going to be called until this world ends."

"But Dan, the American Indian Movement and all the tribal leaders want you to change this name," said Redskins Chief of Public Affairs RedHawk StrongSioux. "They don't like it. I mean, those horrible Sonic signs in Missouri that week we played the Kansas City Chiefs. One of them read: KC CHIEFS' WILL SCALP THE REDSKINS FEED THEM WHISKEY SEND - 2 - RESERVATION. Then Sonic decided to do some collateral damage control and posted another sign that read: -- KC CHIEFS WILL SCALP THE REDSKINS DRAIN THE FIREWATER -- OUT OF THEM -

"Yeah, that had to go over like an exotic dancer at a bar mitzvah," Snyder said. "Not to mention the grammar. Absolutely hideous."

"I think you're finally getting the point. Those signs are just the latest in a long litany of unending, racist, cultural spam that's bombarded American Indians. And it's all because your team has the Redskins name and mascot," RedHawk StrongSioux explained.

"So? That's good publicity for our team. You can't buy advertising like that! And consider the nature of the beast here - it's pro football - such a violent game that it really would be outlawed in any polite and genteel society," Snyder asserted.

"It's not good publicity. It's not good at all. Even the District of Columbia council members unanimously voted recently that you should change the name of your football team," RedHawk StrongSioux said.

"Do you know how many years it's been since we've been in a Super Bowl? It's been almost as long as the good old days when the Romans fed the Christians to the lions!"

"Yea, it's been quite a while. It'd be good to have a Mayan calendar right now."

Snyder put his chin in his hands. He rose from his desk chair and muttered, "No. Never. I'll never change the name. Over my dead body, RedHawk!"

"Mr. Snyder, wouldn't it be nice to just have some regular old name that wouldn't offend anyone? Name your team after some funky animal like a platypus, or name it after a professional group like lawyers or accountants - and there are a lot of them here in the nation's capital. Or just name it after some bird, some fish, or even a historic figure. Caligula comes to mind."

"Just shut the hell up, StrongSioux! I hired you in as my head of public affairs because you have a BA from some Indian college and an MBA from Princeton and an MA in Journalism from Dartmouth. And most of all, because you're an Indian! You even interned at FOX News. What an Indian name you have! A real Indian name, for cyrin' out loud. And you're about as red as the surface of Mars! Right now, that name - your name - RedHawk StrongSioux - is music to my tortured ears."

"Yeah, I went to some pricy schools. I was raised with four brothers and five sisters on the Pine Ridge Reservation. We had a dirt floor and an outhouse out back. Very spartan. Dad worked morning, noon, and night at a lot of low paying jobs. He tried."

"Don't give me that underprivileged nonsense, you're an Ivy Leaguer, StrongSioux!"

"Sir, I paid for college with scholarships - with help from the Native Indian College Fund. And a nice tribal council in charge of an Indian Casino helped with grad school," StrongSioux said.

"Well good for you," Snyder said sarcastically.

"If you change the name of the team, there won't be any more of these crazy signs. I doubt if the people who work at Sonic even know these things are offensive to Native Americans. From reports, some cooks who make minimum wage love to post signs at Sonic. That's really the only reason they like their jobs. One of them went home crying after The Huffington Post and a lot of Native American publications blasted Sonic for their transgressions. Expect more of the same," RedHawk StrongSioux said.

"I tell you what, the next time we win the Super Bowl, I'll change the name," Snyder said.

"That means you'll never change the name. We're never going to win another Super Bowl. And even though you're paying me a lot of money, my family and the members of my tribe now hate me. We don't celebrate Thanksgiving on my reservation in South Dakota, but Dad, Mom, my siblings, nephews, nieces and all my friends don't even want me to go fishing or hunting with them anymore. No more pow-wowing. My sisters and sisters-in-law refuse to mail me frybread. A restraining order has been put on me by my tribal chiefs and I can't even set foot on Lakota land again," StrongSioux said.

"Over those signs? Those Sonic signs? Those people must be nuts! Who needs a family and friends like them?! Where is this reservation, in an insane asylum?!" Snyder yelled.

"No, it's all because I work for you and your Washington Redskins organization. It has nothing to do with hotdogs and breakfast sandwiches served cold, out in the cold. The Redskins name is, well it's absolutely deplorable. They hate you more than our ancestors hated Andrew Jackson," StrongSioux asserted.

"Oh come on, RedHawk, you can't be serious - "

"You should know by now that a lot of our opponents' fans call us the Deadskins, which is even a lot worse then, oh, I can't even say it again. . . .And do you know what a redskin is? It's the name of a scalp taken from a Native man, woman, or child when the East, West, South and North was won by all of you John Wayne types," StrongSioux said.

"Is there anything else I need to know about right now?" the Washington Redskins owner said.

"Ah yes, Mr. Snyder, that 360-pound offensive lineman we just picked up from LSU? Well, he stole a police car last night."

"What? What the hell?"

"I looked over the police report today. I had them fax it to us. Yeah, he saw 911 painted on the side of it and thought it was the hypercharged sports car all the guys talk about in the locker room. He hot-rodded that thing all over D.C. last night and flipped it right in front of the White House. There was more media out there last night than at Mandela's funeral."

"Yikes!!! He thought it was a Porche 911?" Snyder asked.

"Yep. He's up on felony charges and has a $200,000 bail."

"Very stupid. Asinine. Is he all right? Did he get hurt?"

"Not a scratch. The police car's totaled, though. Maybe if we buy them a brand new Crown Vic and a Czechoslovakian-trained police dog, this thing will blow over," StrongSioux said.

"He's a sledgehammer. We need him on the line. This Sunday. What a problem! Damn! For what I pay him he could've bought a Lamborghini Aventador and three Porche 911s."

"What do you want me to do?" StrongSioux asked.

"He's as dumb as a box of hammers! Get a bail bondsman. Take their fee out of petty cash. At least now all those legal eagles I keep around have something to pick over."

"Good enough," StrongSioux said.

"Tell you what, I'll think about changing the name. The Washington Walruses is starting to sound good right now. I've been thinking about that one. . .Now it's time for my hour-long afternoon nap. Get me my sippy cup, my apple juice, and my teddy bear. And my little cot in the corner. Is it still there? Oh yes, yes it is. Leave my office, RedHawk. Now. Get out of here," Snyder said.

*****

Hardly a juggernaut in the NFL in recent decades, the Washington Redskins do enjoy historic success as a national championship professional football team. The Washington team has won three Super Bowls and played in five overall. They lost Super Bowl VII on Jan. 14, 1973, being beaten by the Miami Dolphins 14-7; but the Redskins beat Miami in Super Bowl XVII on Jan. 30, 1983, by a 27-17 score. They were crushed 38-7 by the Los Angeles Raiders in Super Bowl XVIII the following year (1-22-84). They won their last two national championships, beating the Denver Broncos 42-10 in Super Bowl XXII on Jan. 31, 1988; along with Super Bowl XXVI's win over the Buffalo Bills 37-24 on Jan. 26, 1992. Before there was a national holiday dubbed the Super Bowl, the Redskins won the 1937 NFL championship game 28-21 over the Chicago Bears and re-upped their national championship status in 1942, beating the Bears 14-6.

This season sees them at a 3-11 overall record, and the Redskins are ranked fourth in the NFC East Division. They're unlikely to play in this year's Super Bowl unless Daniel Snyder throws some kind of coup d'├ętat. When compared to real football teams like the San Francisco 49ers and the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Redskins are wimpy little-leaguers. Pure wannabes.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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