Written by Auntie Jean
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Monday, 16 December 2013

image for Auntie Jean Advises - Mike Rotchburns from Bell End Pint number twenty

Mike Rotchburns asks:

Dear Auntie Jean,

I am a very heavy drinker and each day consume about twenty pints of bitter. I enjoy this and as my wife knew of my hobby when we met, she puts up with a lot from me really, but I also do the same with her.

Last night I staggered, singing loudly, up the drive and stumbled through the door, like you do, was sick on the carpet and stumbled up to bed. My wife knows I always do this.

I made love to my wife and in the middle of the night got up to go to the lavatory and accidentally urinated in my wife's wardrobe, then I trod on the cat's tail, threw it to its death out of the window then punched my wife, after which I fell downstairs, put some chips on to cook and forgot about them, falling asleep. Apparently the chip pan then caught fire and burned the house down.

Then I realised it was the wrong house. This has not happened before, but I feel it was a warning to me to change my ways. I am 6 foot 3 inches tall and 31 years old.


Auntie Jean replies: Well for your height, weight and age, providing you eat plenty of chips, red meat and saturated fat, your health should not suffer due to drinking these amounts. In fact in Auntie Jean units (A.J.U s) I have calculated that you could drink five more pints per 24 hour period. What you need is a large green arrow sign pointing to your door, possibly a flashing one maybe 2 metres long and one metre across. This will help you to find your house after twenty five pints of bitter.
I hope this helps.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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