Written by John Peurach
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Wednesday, 11 December 2013

image for President Obama Works The Worldwide Room At Mandela Memorial OPERATION SWORDFISH 2.0 - Obama handlers in a tizzy over president's executive bleacher etiquette during Mandela memorial

JOHANNESBURG - Although President Barack Obama hadn't planned on being the star of the show at Nelson Mandela's memorial service as it was broadcast Tuesday to the rest of the world from Johannesburg, that's exactly what happened to America's Commander-In-Chief once his ill-advised caught on camera activities instantaneously became the most trending-tested/viral-driven-disapproved topics circulating all around the globe.

That is, other than, of course, Kanye West's boost heavy claims that his main squeezeidashian was either the new Elizabeth Taylor, and/or, the second totally breathless coming of Marilyn Monroe.

But that's another story. (Pubic required puke bucket not included, but still, a well-advised good idea nonetheless.)

So where were we?

Oh yeah, President Obama's from the get-go gestures, overall posture, limper than usual handshakes, steadfast reluctance to even come close to just once maybe picking his nose, and, more importantly his obvious inability to sit still long enough, while the memorial was in progress, and not become a major go-to center frame spotlight in a many a nearby selfie as otherwise snapped away continuously by all those around him.

In other words, where do you begin dissecting this clearly not his usual cool guy dapper self today?

Uhhh, how about right here.

To start off with, there was his questionable handshake with Cuba's semi-well groomed (with a chance of mangy coming directly into play once his close at hand traveling palace brigade of necessary fan happy air circulators took a half hour off to collectively smoke a gigantic Diplomatico brought in for such a special occasion), charisma deficient president, Raul Castro.

All of which took place just as President Obama stepped to the podium prior to dramatically informing the entire soccer stadium jam packed with Mandela mourners of his own, ultra-respectful impressions of the man (including a brief attempt at reprising Mandela's own killer mimic job of the late Sam Kinison attempting to get through customs in Tijuana wearing a sombrero loaded down with drug-laced Chicklets), and, oh yeah, the fact that he recently saved a bundle on car insurance by going with Progressive.

In any case, the brief, yet totally telling, pre-speech hand grab between Obama and Castro, - captured forever now on video and via photographs by some of the finest paparizzi that the right amount of money can usually under less enthusiastic situations be subsequently paid off accordingly - ignited a quick trigger reaction both online and on TV.

With, of course, titanicaly would-be important Twitter subscribers, and soon to be all out to pasture cable news pundits, going way, way overboard with either their not in suck mode thumbs, and/or, carefully chosen available finger picking their high end noses whenever the red light was thought to not be on - well, thank God (or, whoever is responsible for handling her/his calls on a day like today) somebody finally was, if only just because - while endlessly debating the overall up to speed significance of whatever cool, calm, collected coziness was on full-tilt display between leaders of separate but unequal countries that have not had formal diplomatic relations - although due to a snag as far as on sight facilities were concerned (no doubt severely elevated even that much more so once Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff dropped a bomb of major proportions in the makeshift executive latrine right before the services officially kicked into gear) during a strategic portion of mutually shared call of nature time, both western hemisphere honchos were forced to share the same commode seat within seconds of one another - since 1959.

Meanwhile, as expected, back at the nearest available U.S. homefront ranch, "The Handshake" also received some sharp, tangy (with a hint of How Could He? goo all over it) GOP criticism from Sen. John McCain who compared it to shaking hands with both Adolf Hitler and, not so surprisingly, his seldom mentioned Aunt Nadine whenever she came back from her annual sewing circle soujorn to Flagstaff with her handsome tag team of burly as the day is wrong fellow female wrestling/funny car enthusiasts.

"Why should you shake hands with somebody who's keeping Americans in prison?" McCain told Public Radio International. "Plus, members of his own enslaved citizenry that show any obvious baseball skills, and thus, would look mighty good in an Arizona Diamondbacks uniform if and when they ever get a chance to properly defect to greener than usual pastures. Hopefully in time for spring training."

"Surely this wasn't a carefully thought out preplanned encounter," Zorro Leibergott-Chan, an Obama aide, explained to Yahoo News. "Above and beyond all else, the whole day, from start to finish, even the mostly friendly "tag you're it" dust up with United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, was all about honoring Nelson Mandela, and, believe me, that was indeed President Obama's one singular sensation focus. And, oh yeah, I know, don't call you Shirley."

Meanwhile, during yet another not so bulletproof point in the memorial proceedings, President Obama went out of his way to pose for a "selfie" while seated next to British Prime Minister David Cameron, Denmark's Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt, and still slightly humorous actor/comedian/solar power pitchman Rob Schneider. First lady Michelle Obama, who was inconveniently seated just left of the group, did not participate.

Although, probably not because, as was quickly reported by Suzanne Venker at Fox News., Mrs. Obama in every way, shape, or otherwise exaggeratedly revealed tight-fitting form thought "her designer wardrobe made her ass look huge."

Then again, what the hell, these days you never know.

But, have no fear, you certainly will regardless, whether you want to be or not, in a matter of next to no time at all.

(In stereo, where available.)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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