Written by John Peurach
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Tuesday, 3 December 2013

image for The American Irrespective: President Obama's Good News, Bad News, and/or Worser News Regarding NBA Team Nicknames and Other Assorted In The Paint/To The Hoop Whatnot - Part 1 HELLO AMERICA AND ALL SINKING (SORT OF RHYMES WITH) SHIPS AT SEA - Don't look now but I got your fast break right here!

Sure, I suppose there's probably more for me to do around here than hang around the Oval Office all the live long day and well into each and every night, doing whatever I can to keep on keepin' on steering our nation even further into a more worthwhile direction that hopefully not only suits our present needs, but, more importantly, sets in now and forever forward motion a systematic readjustment of our long range goals in order to fully protect and decidedly preserve the sooner than we all think - or, are quite prepared to unofficially acknowledge anyway with or without advice from a God-fearing, public-driven conscience that refuses to slink to far, and/or all the way, away - health and welfare of all of our citizens, and, oh yeah, also find time enough to worry myself sea to shining sea sick about all the alive and not so swell team names within the National Basketball Association.

But still, it was either that or keep parking it beside the still burning bright national camp fire long enough to only semi-sort of figure out who exactly it is that's the best and most rightfully equipped so and so who woulda/coulda/shoulda be otherwise responsible for being - until further notice - even more so than usual on the big time hook for paying whatever medical freight costs help to keep America healthy, wealthy (within reason), and, oh yeah, as wise as can be tolerably expected in this present tense-like day of so much new and improved, fully affordable, turn with me now will you please, come what may.

In other words:

Eastern Conference/Atlantic Division

Good News: (More or Less, A Tie!)

Philadelphia 76ers - Nothing like playing the patriotic card to remind the folks from whence we came. In a related matter, nothing like seeing this current brotherly love roundball crew, as of late, to quickly make anyone with half a cheese steak fried brain start wishing they could either fake their own death, or pray like don't ask/do tell that Marty McFly and Doc show up in time with the flux capacitor so's we could all maybe get one last grand now and forever look at the Doctor J. and Moses "Bring It Home" Malone led team from that there back to the future championship season of 1983.

Boston Celtics - First of all it's not even pronounced correct. "Keltics" is how it really went down in the real old school days. But, then again, since what's going on then and there is supposed to be a more or less updated reference to a mangy group of once-proud marauding tribal societies from the Iron Age of Roman Era Europe, I guess that pretty much describes the overall here to there and all the way back bust a nutshell of this Beantown bunch. And/or, at least has been the on court M. O. ever since Red and Team Russell started lighting things up accordingly way, way, back when during their overly dominated pre-everyone fantabulous 1950s/60s heydays.

Bad News: (Back and forth in typical waffle-on/waffle-off politically inspired fashion)

New York Knickerbockers - Nobody, I repeat, nobody, except for maybe - and even then hardly likely - many moon's later descendants of the Native Americans responsible for being hoodwinked out of fishing and parking rights up and down the once upon a crime time Isle of Manhattan are collectively known to still use this way out of date term. All of which means that the only here and there place where such a name tag generally seems to show up these days - that is, within a wider range of localized about the Tri-State citizenry - is usually in a follow-up capacity, via the now and forever, clinched teeth vernacular-based usage of an altogether appropriate pronounish set-up that tends to follow along the all-purpose semi-sort of non-gender specific lines of - "Motherf%&#in'", yep, Knickerbockers. Be that as it may though - or at least has been for far too long - if my memory still serves anything close to what I think it should (another lunchtime cocktail notwithstanding, but that's another story), this long since forgotten Dutch colonial surname (which, at the time, was in fact nothing more than an occupational reference to one who was a "marble baker") has for whatever reason evolved into the more monosyllabic-friendly "Knicks." Which we all now know is just part of the package deal behind so many have to go there slice & go cuts often delivered by blades to the necks of most if not all season ticket holders at the Garden. More often than not just in time for the Christmas holidays, and their annual swan dive into an East River, soon to be decidedly clogged up with far too much left over, passed through, and/or just plain puked-up egg nog.

Brooklyn Nets - Sure, it's just one more part of the have to drag along carry over package from the glory (The what???) days of this team's hardwood endeavors in the great state (Again….what???) of New Jersey. But still, despite the obvious all around the rim necessity of the term, and the undeniable fact that it makes perfect sense as a total tip of the hat to that part of the game that looks so great during each and every swish (in their case, generally by the opposition, but that's another story), I must now rise to the occasion of next stop, beg to differ. If only cause there does exist the possibility that an otherwise theme-drive variation of said set of save the day strings might come in more appropriate-wise handy if and when it ever comes time for the authorities to properly fish Rocco "The Squealer" Zollo out of either the prior home Meadowlands muck and mire and/or current nearby standing room only in a tub of cement East River before the sea gulls do anymore damage to his formally well groomed ventilated head, neck-wide ear to ear smile, and, oh yeah, anything else that might currently still remain of either of his once proud original thumbs.

Worser News: (What the hell, rumor has it there's one in every crowd)

Toronto Raptors - Look at it this way, be glad that those in charge of naming this bench load of underachieves, took their cue from a Spielberg movie ("Jurassic Park") that everyone could see over and over again, rather than one that - although properly awarded and every inch a classic - still was, for some, way too sad to sit through even once, much less revisit again, and again. In other words…. "And now, starting at forward, for YOUR Toronto Schindlers…..!!!!"

Have no fear, to be continued. That is, one way or another, whether or not any somewhere out there/in here, quick trigger always on my ass repub rub-a-dub-bubs ever get around to noticing that despite their collectively perceived contrary, I ain't asleep at the somewhere around here someplace real deal-like, yeah, wheel.

(Next Up: Eastern Conference/Central Division)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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