Written by Paxton Quigley
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Thursday, 21 November 2013

image for Toad in the Hole: A Guide to British Food for the Discerning French Tourist British food? No dog's dinner

It seems to many people that some English or British delicacies were concocted many years ago with the express intention of annoying the French. Far be it from the author to pass judgement on what may be an apocryphal statement, but in the true spirit of Anglo-French relations we at The Spoof are publishing a glossary of food and drink which a lucky French tourist might discover during his or her culinary adventures in Great Britain.

Beef Wellington.
What a perfect dish to celebrate the Iron Duke's victory over old Boney at Waterloo. A slop of mushroom and pate wrapped around beef fillet and cooked in soggy pastry. Mmm.

Buck's Fizz.
Oh yes, we love to ruin good champagne by adding orange juice. Get over it, mes amis, it's refreshing on a cold damp English summer's day.

Custard or Crème Anglaise.
Thank you la Belle France for renaming this just to annoy the Scots, who claim it's theirs.

Haggis.
Would you ever, mon brave? A sheep's stomach which some Scottish bloke filled with all the leftovers and entrails and which the Jocks then took to their hearts. Bloody hell, they even read poetry to it. The USA banned this "delicacy" and then they came up with Kentucky Fried Chicken. I ask you.

Mincemeat.
Excusez moi. No sign of meat here, just a black lumpy slush which you stuff into pastry for Christmas. Thank God, it's only once a year.

Port.
Oh, a remnant of all those little cross channel disgreements when you wouldn't sell us your wines. Never mind, the Portuguese, England's oldest allies, helped us out with their fortified wines. Unfortunately, some people also took a shine to Mateus Rose. Merde alors.

The Sandwich.
Named in celebration of the drunken gambler the Earl of Sandwich who refused to leave his game of cards to eat dinner and got his servants to slap some ham in between two slices of bread. Attaboy.

Sherry.
We know you Frenchies won't touch this Spanish concoction. Okay, so it's wine that's gone off with a bit of brandy in it but have you ever tasted Harvey's Bristol Cream? I thought not. Yuk!

Toad in the Hole.
The English revenge for frog's legs. There's no sign of a toad here, but what the hell?

Welsh Rarebit.
That's rarebit, not rabbit. Mes petits choux, we have no idea how the Welsh managed to claim cheese on toast as theirs, but who cares? Better stick to croc monsieur.

Yorkshire Pudding.
Pudding? Don't make us laugh. Yes, we know a pudding should have a savoury, meaty or sweet filling or be smothered in the ubiquitous crème anglaise (that's for the Scots) but a soggy batter covered in gravy is not a pudding, unless you're in Yorkshire.

Spotted Dick.
Messieurs et Mesdames, don't even ask.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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