Written by John Andreini

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Tags: Guns, Piss, Summer

Friday, 16 March 2007

I was alerted to this full-page ad for a summer festival in the latest issue of Guns & Ammo.

(Proud I'm Still Stupid)

4th of July Weekend, 2007

A three-day celebration for the non-reality based nation. Music, inspirational speakers, food and fun for the whole family on the grounds of the Holy Redeemer New Baptist Church in Branson, Missouri.

NRA Members
Evangelical Christians
White Supremacists and Holocaust Deniers
Anti-immigration and anti-tax zealots
Confederate patriots
Any residents of Montana and Idaho

You will find a home at PISS Fest!

Saturday, July 1

3:00 Opening benediction and prayer of intolerance by Jerry Falwell (Main Stage)
3:30 Everyone fires weapons into the air
5:00 Gun safety seminar for toddlers (Charleton Heston Gun Range)
6:00 Toby Keith sings hits from his latest album, White Trash with Money (Main Stage)
8:00 The Aryan Nation Glee Club sings patriotic standards (America First Stage)
9:30 Video address from President Bush (Main Stage)
10:00 Ending prayer and ritual keg tap

Sunday, July 2

8:00 Church Service (Mandatory!)
11:00 Beer & Brats Brunch (Right Restaurant)
1:00 Brawl in the parking lot
2:00 Bill Bennett reads stories of moral righteousness that will scare the hell out of kids (Don't Spare the Rod Children's Tent)
4:00 Bo Grits lecture: Invading Canada Just Makes Sense (God Loves America Stage)
6:00 Ted Nugent rocks the fest with songs from his latest album, I Kill Therefore I Am (Main Stage)
9:00 Senator Bill Frist speaks on who is and who is not a real American
10:00 Ending Prayer and 21-gun salute

Monday, July 3

9:00 Bloody Mary's on the Mall
11:00 Kill your breakfast (woods adjacent to the church)
2:00 Mass full-emersion baptism at Bill Watson's farm pond
4:00 Pre-fireworks fireworks
5:00 Unfurling of the world's largest American flag
5:30 Clowns for Christ perform (Don't Spare the Rod Children's Tent)
7:00 Don Flemming Puppet Show: Pepper the Parrot kills Dr. Evolution. (America First Stage)
9:30 Fireworks show followed by an armed attack on nearby Missouri State University
11:00 End of Fest Prayer and dynamite toss

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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