Face it: Summer's gone. It's October. Let's talk Christmas.
Over the next few weeks, I'll be helping you through the exciting - yet stressful - stages of planning your Perfect Festive Season.
This week, I have some top tips for you regarding essential purchases to ensure that your home stands out from the crowd.
~ White icicle lights draped around house frontage are frankly too vulgar. Rainbow laser beams radiating ambient light from the roof to a height of 20 metres are de rigeur.
~ A real Norwegian Fir should be delivered to your door direct from Oslo and be big enough to create a serious obstacle in your hallway.
~ Baubles should be individually made of precious metal, rare animal skin or finest porcelain, and be positioned for maximum enhancement of the tree.
~ Harrods Christmas Hampers are best, but a second Marks & Spencer one will serve as a useful backup when serving your less cultured guests.
~ A selection of fine wines, liquers and spirits should be displayed prominently in your main reception room. A locked cabinet is advisable in order to control access.
~ Each house guest should receive a modest gift (pound shop items are acceptable) wrapped exquisitely in seasonal designer wrap. Appearance is everything.
A maximum budget of £5000 should be set aside for these essentials. Keeping tight control of finances is so important at this time of year.
Look out for the next instalment of Planning for the Perfect Festive Season. I'll be covering appropriate gifts for obnoxious friends and showing you how to build a lifesize Nativity Tableau on the lawn.
Remember, it's all about impressing the neighbours.