Written by Tony Bagodonutz
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Tags: Gay

Saturday, 12 October 2013

TRENTON, N.J. - Reverend Homer Phobe, of New Jersey is the leader of a new movement that calls themselves the "Federal League Against Gays With Agendas Violating Everyone's Reasonable Standards" or "F.L.A.G. W.A.V.E.R.S" for short.

After a recent ruling that the state of New Jersey begin issuing same-sex marriage licenses this month, the Reverend Homer Phobe and his followers are rallying people to urge the state to overturn the decision on the grounds that "we cannot allow the continued pursuit of the gay agenda."

Spoof staff writer Tony Bagodonutz recently caught up with the reverend to discuss this controversial issue and possibly to get insight into Phobe and his followers reasoning behind their opposition.

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW:

REPORTER - So, Reverend, you and the members of "FLAG WAVERS" are opposed to the recognition of homosexual marriages as legal unions in the eyes of the law.

PHOBE - That's correct sir.

REPORTER - Well, why such a strong stance? Why such a profound opposition? Do not all men and women deserve equal and fair treatment and access to the same rights?

PHOBE - First of all, in our view "rights" should be reserved for those who are "living RIGHT"! But even more than that we are trying to head off the Gay Agenda.

REPORTER - We have heard that term, Gay Agenda thrown around for years, even decades now. What does the term mean? Can you speak to how your organization defines and clarifies what it means?

PHOBE - Yes. Definitively. If we do not head off this idea of those people being legally wed, I'm afraid that they, as a group of people will be able to move forward into indocrinating the Gay Agenda into society at large.

REPORTER - Yes. I understand that ideologically that is what you and your organization believe. I still feel that the whole concept of Gay Agenda is vague. Can you expound on what you believe that means?

PHOBE - I can SHOW you. Right here I have a copy of a homesexual couples daily agenda. This, I think will explain a lot.

Reverend Phobe proceeded to show me a document that private investigators, whom he would not identify, had procured. The document allegedly originating from an openly gay couple.

(Page 1 of 7)

5 a.m. Wake up-"Fashion and Outfits for the day" hour

6 a.m. Pilates

7 a.m. Breakfast - Fruit smoothies and egg whites

7:30 a.m. Morning jog

8:00 a.m. Shower/exfoliate/shampoo and condition

8:30 a.m. Eyebrow tweezing and facial work

9:00 a.m. Fingernail and toe nail maintenance

9:30 a.m. Get dressed in the days first outfit

10:00 a.m. Self affirmations

10:30 a.m. Leave for work - have a FABULOUS day!

11:00 a.m. Arrive to work

Upon completing page 1 of the document I returned to my conversation with Dr. Phobe.

REPORTER - Ok. I'm not sure what this shows us. It seems to me to be a person that is very detailed about his or her day to day activities.

PHOBE - THIS kind sir, is a very detailed copy of THEIR AGENDA. That is just the first page that you read. If this kind of stuff gets indoctrinated into our culture, can you imagine what most of us will be up against? That's too much pressure! I for one am not willing to follow this kind of regimen.

This reporter attempted to further explain to Reverend Homer Phobe that it is not probable that this sort of regimen, or "Agenda", as he preferred to term it was going to be forced upon the rest of society.

Phobe was insistent that "We cannot abide in the gay lifestyle. We just cannot allow this to happen."

Phobe ended the interview abruptly after receiving a phone call from a key member in F.L.A.G. W.A.V.E.R.S. Apparently there was new developments in their mision when one of their members spotted couples walking multiple poodles in the park.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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