Anycouch, USA-A glitch in the website allowing access to the Affordable Care Act, more commonly known as Obamacare, is creating fertile ground for women who have nothing to do but have babies while waiting for free health care to pop out of their computer screen.
In an interview with Matilda Rodriguez-who is expecting her fourth child due to the Obamacare delay-Tawdry Soup has learned the impending baby boom is directly related to millions having nothing to do but sit and stare at the wall while waiting for their latest government handout.
Tawdry Soup: So, have you thought about doing anything while waiting for the Obamacare computer glitch to get fixed, besides having more children?
Rodriguez: What do you expect a single woman with three kids and another on the way to do? The only thing that works in my house is my panocha, and I am thinking the more kids I have before Obamacare is available, the more money I get. That how America works, right? I am only three kids into this America thing and I think I am learning. My kids get Head Start, free school lunch and breakfast, free education and free healthcare. It's all paid for by old white people who worked their lives to save so they won't starve when they get old. Best of all, I never have to pay it back. Those dumb old white folks didn't expect their hard-earned money to be voted away by a tidal wave of illegal baby-machines who by sheer numbers now have all the political power. Yes, yes, we have used up our own country and are now preparing to impoverish a new land-one neighborhood at a time. Our strategy is to have babies so quickly white people cannot catch their breath before we pass another law making them dish out more money for my beautiful pucha caliente.
She looked down and smiled as she gently, and somewhat seductively, ran her freshly manicured fingers from her knees to her baby-maker, which was now rumbling like a volcano about to blow its top.
TS: Your are kidding right? No pun intended.
Just then a slick brown baby slithered from between her legs, flopped off the couch, and began crawling around on the floor looking for something to eat. Rodriguez got up, walked to the stove, trailing not one, but an entire collection of fresh and desiccated umbilical chords-one with misshapen glass beads strung on it-and dipped a big wooden spoon in a steaming black pot. She pulled out a spoonful of frijoles and slung them across the floor. The new baby and three other kids-who came out of the woodwork-began scrambling for their dinner. When Rodriguez returned to the couch she was already obviously at least 8 months pregnant.
TS: How did you...?
Rodriguez: It's the essence of Obamacare-I can't even sign up, but just thinking about it is making me shoot out a new baby as soon as the runway is cleared from the last one. It's a miracle! It's kind of like having to take a shit every time your speed dealer pulls up in the driveway.
TS: This computer isn't even turned on.
Rodriguez: It's busted. I am waiting for the white man to allow God into his heart, so he will buy me one along with a new house.
TS: A new house?
Rodriguez: Where do you expect me to raise my...CHINGOW!!
Just then, another baby, this one a male in full puberty with an erection, climbed from between her legs and demanded something in Spanglish.
TS: It's getting crowded in here. And kinda stinky, too. I'm gonna bounce.
Rodriguez: When you get back to white-land tell them I need a new house for all these kids-plus diapers, food, education, and anything else you can think of-And don't forget Obamacare! Don't forget...Oooooooo-ouch! EEchawawa! That one came out sideways..
An odd-looking one with a flattened face appearing to be a pregnant female emerged from under Rodriguez's soaking-wet cotton dress.
Tawdry Soup ran out the door and down the road to get as far away as possible from Rodriguez and her Catholic-encrusted cluster-fuck. But before he could get two blocks, he was robbed, beaten and spray-painted by a group of Hispanic juveniles. As Tawdry Soup ran for his life, he heard the ringleader yell, "Handouts? We don't need your stinking handouts!"