Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Monday, 30 September 2013

image for Where the Child Things Are The King of the Child Things

The year Ted went to Congress and made mischief of one kind and another John McCain called him "CHILD THING!" and Ted said "I'LL RUIN THE LEGISLATIVE PROCESS!" so he stomped off to bed without passing anything.

That very night in Ted's room a chaos grew and grew and grew until his ceiling hung with pointless obstructions and the walls of Congress became the world all around Ted and a tide tumbled by with a megaphone for Ted and his followers and he sailed off to the capitol in his jumbo jet paid for by the Koch Brothers to where the child things are.

And when he came to the place where the child things are the Tea Party roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws til Ted said "I'M HEARING YOU, BROS" and tamed them with the magic trick of staring into all their dull yellow eyes without blinking once and they were HYPNOTIZED and called him the most child thing of all and made him king of the Tea Party caucus.

"And now," cried Ted, "let the child tantrum begin!"

"Now stop!" said Ted and sent the child things off to bed without their supper. And Ted the king of all the child things was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all.

Then far away from his deeply red district he smelled 2016, so he gave up being king of where the child things are.

But the child things cried, "Oh please don't go--we'll eat you up--we love you so!" And Ted said, "Well, OK . . . ."

The child things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their dull yellow eyes and showed their terrible claws but Ted stepped into his limousine and waved good-bye and drove to his deeply red district to his very own room where he found his supper waiting for him and it was still luke warm.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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