Written by Charles Heiner
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Saturday, 28 September 2013

Children being treated at a Washington, D.C. hospital got a welcome surprise Tuesday when Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) gave them a bedtime reading of "Green Eggs and Ham," the classic Dr. Seuss story about health care reform.

"I'm an Ass," he began, standing before the roomful of sick children in their hospital beds.

"Ass I am.


"That Ass I am!
That Ass I am!
I will not treat you Ass I am.

"Do you like good medicine?

"I do not like it, Ass I am.
I do not like good medicine.

"Would you like it here or there?

"I would not like it here or there.
People should not get health care.

"I do not like
good medicine.
I do not like it, Ass I am.

"Would get get sick in a house?
Would you catch it from a mouse?

"I would not get sick
in a house.
I would not catch it
from a mouse.
I would not like it
here or there.
People should not
get health care.
I would not like
good medicine.
I would not like it,
Ass I am.

"Would you treat my
chicken pox?
Would you treat my
wounds from rocks?

"No chicken pox.
No wounds from rocks.
Not in a house.
Not from a mouse.
I would not treat you
here or there.
I would not treat you anywhere.
I would not like good medicine.
I would not like it, Ass I am.

"If we got hurt
in a car?
Treat us! Treat us!
Here we are.

"Not if you
got hurt
in a car.

"You may like it.
You will see.
What if I fell
from a tree?

"You would not fall from a tree,
or crash a car. Now let me be.

"I would not treat your chicken pox,
your wounds from rocks,
not in a house,
not from a mouse.
I would not treat you here or there.
I would not treat you anywhere.
I do not like good medicine.
I do not like it, Ass I am.

"Could you, if you wrecked a train?

"Not on a train! Not from a tree!
Not in a car! Now, let me be!
Not chicken pox,
or wounds from rocks,
not from a mouse,
not in a house.
I will not treat you here or there.
I will not treat you anywhere.
I do not like it, Ass I am.

"If you bumped your head,
in the dark?
If it left a bloody mark?

"I would not do that,
in the dark.

"Or if you slipped,
in the rain?

"I would not slip, in the rain,
not in the dark, or wreck a train,
or crash a car, into a tree.
I would not do that, Ass I be.
Not in a house. Not chicken pox.
Not from a mouse. Not scars from rocks.
I will not treat you here or there.
I will not treat you anywhere!

"You do not like good medicine?

"I do not like it,
Ass I am.

"If I'm bitten
by a goat?

"I would not,
could not,
by a goat!

"I would not treat you
here or there.
I would not treat you
anywhere.

"If you fell off of a boat?

"I would not fall off a boat.
I won't be bitten by a goat.
I won't slip and fall in the rain,
and I will not wreck a train.
Not in the dark! Not from a tree!
Not in a car! You let me be!
I will not treat your chicken pox.
I will not treat your wounds from rocks.
I will not get sick in a house.
I will not catch it from a mouse.
I will not treat you here or there.
I will not treat you anywhere.

"I do not like good medicine.

"I do not like it,
Ass I am.

"You do not like it.
So you say.
Try it! Try it!
And you may.
Try it and you may I say.

"Fine. If you will let me be,
I will try it.
You will see.

"Say!
I like good medicine!
I do! I like it, Ass I am!
If I fell out of a boat!
If I got bitten by a goat!
If I slipped and fell in the rain,
or in the dark, or wrecked a train,
or crashed a car into a tree.
It is so good, so good you see!

So I will treat my chicken pox,
and I will treat my wounds from rocks,
and if I get sick in a house,
with something I catch from a mouse,
I will treat me here and there.
Say! I will treat me anywhere!

"I do so like
good medicine.
all for myself,
Ass I am."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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