Written by Samuel Vargo
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Saturday, 21 September 2013

image for Cher sums it up best: 'Little Miss Meltdown's' got no talent

"Well we can't take it this week. And her friends don't want another speech. Hoping for a better day to hear what she's got to say. All about that personality crisis you got it while it was hot. But now frustration and heartache is what you got (That's why they talk about 'Personality!!!'). But now you're trying to be some - no you got to do some - wanna be someone who cow wow wows!!! But you think about the times you did they took every ounce - when it sure got to be a shame when you start to scream and shout. You got to contradict all those times you were butterflying about (You was butterflying). All about that personality crisis you got it while it was hot. But now frustration and heartache is what you got. That's what I'm talking about - Personality, yah yah yah --- the New York Dolls take a much needed break here --- And you're a prima ballerina on a spring afternoon (whistles several times). (You) change on into the wolfman howling at the moon - hooowww!!! All about that personality crisis you got it while it was hot. But now frustration and heartache is what you got now - with all the crossing fingers that Mother Nature says. Your mirrors get jammed up with all your friends. That personality: everything starts to blend. Personality: when your mind starts to blend. Personality: impression of a friend, of a friend, of a friend, of a friend, of a friend. Personality: wondering how celebrities ever met (Look and find out on television). Personality Crisis: you got it while it was hot. But frustration and heartache is all you got. Don't you worry!!! Personality Crisis: please don't cry. It's just a Personality Crisis: please don't stop. Because you walk a Personality. Talk a Personality %^**#@!"

- The New York Dolls, "Personality Crisis"

*****

Everyone's talking about Miley Cyrus being a degenerate. She's a singing, dancing, raving, ranting piece of dynamite with an unfiltered cigarette burnt way down, with the wick ready to light any second. . . .

KABOOM!!!

Nope, sorry, it's just a dud.

Yep, like one of rock's greatest singers and leading divas of all divas says, Miley's 2013 VMA fiasco was a failure, a disappointment. Poor and unprofessional. Hideous even.

Okay. So much for sane singers who made great songs. And so what if Miley's acting like a full-blown schizoid who's off her medication and feels just fine.

So what.

Leave her alone.

Don't report on anything she does or says.

She's turned into a talentless numbskull who has to resort to bat-shit crazy antics to get noticed and to keep her fame aflame.

The New York Dolls, possibly the greatest punk-rock band who ever recorded in their music genre, sums it up pretty well in "Personality Crisis". And they recorded that little ditty long before Miley was even conceived.

Miley might even think the Dolls were singing about her. She's that big of a fucked-up egomaniac. Ironically, it's been a secret since this song was recorded who it's all about. None of the band members ever said: Mum's the word. Actually, the Dolls were singing about Madonna, who's obviously a real hero of Cyrus. Or maybe they were singing about someone else, like Boy George. Or Elton John. Or Whitney Houston. Or Barbara Streisand. Or Barbara Wah-Wha. Or Henry Kissinger. Or George Wallace. How's about Ma and Pa Kettle? Woody Woodpecker? Johnny Carson? Johnny Cash? Elvis Costello? Abbott & Costello? Or maybe they were barking and hissing about the lady they thought they saw on 52nd Street, in a mini-skirt, fishnet stockings, and a halter top - who's really a former NFL star in the middle of a sexual/personality crisis of his/her own.

It's really unclear. . . .We'll never know. Nope, the Dolls are long dead and buried like all the other great punk rockers - The Ramones, The Sex Pistols, etc. etc. So the real question about who The New York Dolls were screaming and bantering about in "Personality Crisis" is as big of a mystery as who Carly Simon sang about in "You're So Vain". It'll remain a mystery for all ages . . . .

But this report isn't about punk rock, but about a real punk in rock, Miley Cyrus. One of Rock & Roll's leading ladies, Cher, who was recording hits long before Cyrus sang baby songs, lambastes Miley as a talentless hack at this year's VMA's implosion.

[But I must digress for a moment. It's a little-known fact of punk rock music trivia that Cher was actually The New York Dolls' lead singer for a while, during the band's inception, but the boys decided to ditch her. At the time, Cher was a knockout (as she is today, of course, but even more of a knockout then . . . hey, Cher was a lot younger 30 or 40 years ago), and the Dolls booted her out of the band because of that green-eyed monster, jealousy. And they wanted a girl who grunted, shouted, and hissed in baritone or bass, not one who sang soprano.]

Now back on subject: Cher's critique of Little Miss Meltdown's offering at the VMA's is scathing, as reported in WONDERWALL and FOX News reports: "I don't give a [expletive] if she comes out naked," Cher said of Miley's VMA gig. "Just be better, do better. Maybe she's thrilled and delighted - everyone's talking about it. And so, that's almost as good as it being great, you know. Especially kind of in this day and age."

"I'm not old fashioned. She could have come out naked, and if she'd just rocked the house, I would have said, 'You go, girl.' It just wasn't done well. She can't dance, her body looked like hell, the song wasn't great. One cheek was hanging out. And, chick, don't stick out your tongue if it's coated," Cher continues.

Cher made some comments later about blah-blah-blah, how ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT Miley Cyrus was as sort of a retraction or something, but this is malarkey. Even people who don't know a whole lot about singing and dancing think watching Miley perform was like watching the biggest crackhead stripper at the worst strip joint in the city - definitely not at a Gentleman's Club but a Neanderthal Club.

This was pretty much the world's impression of Miley's VMA performance. She was absolutely hideous. It was almost as ridiculous as wiener dogs jumping through flaming hoops on "Stupid Pet Tricks" with David Letterman petting a cute little orangutan. The beast has a navy blue baseball cap with NY emblazoned on it. Letterman, who's a Cleveland Indians' fan, makes funny faces at the ape, and the orangutan does the same to Letterman. Everyone thinks it's funny, but it's hardly award-winning drama. Its nuts & bolts comedy. It passes as such because the audience laughs hard. In the meantime, the little dogs keep jumping through flaming little hoops.

What Cher originally griped about is that Lil' Miss Miley Mellon Patch's rendition of "Stupid Subhuman Tricks" passing itself off as world-class singing and dancing was spot on - bad performance shouldn't be celebrated in any way.

Nope. Miley's VMA gig wouldn't have made a first-cut go-around in a Salt Lake City or Omaha tryout for American Idol or America's Got Talent. It was so bad, in fact, it would've got her chased out of karaoke night at Wild Dog's Saloon and Hot Dog Shoppe on the tough and rough side of the tracks in Portsmouth, Ohio.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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