Written by KRS
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Tuesday, 27 August 2013

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This passing gas event in Syria is bizarre on so many levels...

Most recently, Assad has been winning; so why do it now? And it appears noncombatants were most affected. Assad's military probably had exclusive control over such weapons, but could not a defector steal a few? And what about false flag use to embroil the US in another hummus swamp? And how can there be any effective response once everyone except Wil E. Coyote knows something is coming? Is there some reason the White House and the Pentagon discarded the conflict handbook citing December 7th 1941 and the 1967 Arab Israeli Six Day War? We've been sending out calligraphic invitations with RSVPs since Vietnam, maybe Korea and that has not generally been advantageous, courtesy and Amy Vanderbilt aside. There will be collateral damage and possibly additional Russian military supply "loans." And Jordan? They're pretty shaky as well, but they along with many other Arab states at least condemn such chemical weapons use against other Arabs (they don't think of Kurds as Arabic and they were noticeably mute during the Iran-Iraq war. I think most were hoping both sides won that one). I cannot recall a period in history when the region was any more volatile or unstable than today.

You would think with the availability of cannabis, these people could chill a little. I think we should airlift bongs, ZigZags and Ding-Dongs from Macedonia all the way back around the crescent to Gibraltar. Hell, the DEA and local constabularies must have thousands of confiscated bongs and hookahs; it's time to empty some warehouses! If need be, we can engage the Tijuana cartel for some wholesale product for export, free of US interdiction...and the Saudis will sell them the fuel for the same price they sell it to their own people. I'd wager the Taliban would welcome the chance to expand their time honored hashish distribution channels. How many billionaires faithful to Sharia have you seen on Al Jazeera? Portly Pashtuns and fast cars make for really crappy zealots. I'm sure the entrepreneurs in the Golden Triangle would salivate at the opportunity to access the newly opened market. Stoners are really pathetic martyrs. I seriously doubt offers of hoards of virgins would make a dent in their ambition or nationalism, just don't mention "Doritos or White Castle." A freak has never started a war; that's a factoid. OR bring back opium dens in Damascus. You cannot hold a pipe and an RPG at the same time. It would be a boon to their hospitality industry and cut into their population growth rate simultaneously, although chemical/biological weapons impact fecundity more efficiently. We could also "salt" their fresh water supplies with Cialis or Viagra. When was the last time you saw a Jihadi or a rebel with an erection...lasting four hours or more? Forget AndroGel 1.62. We want more "low T," not less. The last thing those perfervid lunatics need is more testosterone, unless we want to engage in Shemagh attired human cock fighting as an alternative to our homespun "Ultimate Fighters" on cable. I guarantee there would be no tattoos or purple Mohawk haircuts...real clean cut gladiators like we grew up with, such as Kirk Douglas' "Spartacus." Now there was a guy I could get behind..."I am Spartacus!" These people have an unparalleled lust for conflict; why not reshape that - mold it, making marriage more attractive and desirable? Lust, conflict and marriage - the triad of universal truth as immutable as gravity! Human BLT. Getting the conflict behind closed doors and in the bedroom will make this world a much safer place for the neighbors.
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I can hear the dialogue now;

"And where do you think you're going, you Bedouin bum?

"I have to go out a plant an IED, honey?"

"The hell you are. We have 50 hectares of date and olive trees that need picking. You want to go outside? "Here's a basket - go outside and fill it AND I have another when you return with that one brimming! And when you are finished with that, milk the camels. Then come right back here and check with me to see if there are any other things that you've been avoiding while off cavorting with your do-nothing, going nowhere unemployed friends. What a bunch of losers. No Beirut street whore would "do" any one of them for 1,000 shekels. Then and only then, MAYBE, you can watch some soccer."
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MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

No one ever consults me...I am proficient at devising actionable WIN-WIN solutions for most problems. I make Olivia Pope look like a piker, but she does look better in white than I do.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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