Written by b kenneth mcgee
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Thursday, 22 August 2013

"My! Aren't we looking spiffy today!"
"Are you freaking blind!?"

"You're not getting older, you're just getting better!"
"Really?"

"You're only as old as you feel!"
"OK. I feel like 120, I think like 40. You wanna average that out, it's still 80!"

"Hi young man!"
"Puleeeese!"

"Well….How are WE feeling today?"

"OK. I'll go first. It's the bowel movements, I could talk all day about this, you know how they go, or maybe you don't, well, it really is scary sometimes, you know, like bowel cancer maybe or whatever else is down there, well, feeling bilious is not really a many slandered thing I can tell you, you know, eating Tums all day like they were candy, well, the skin blemishes are probably melanomas, only a matter of time dontcha know, the scalp itch is really weird, you know, scratch, scratch, scratch, probably going to spread all over the body and get in the eyes, eyes are so bad now that I can't tell Julia Roberts from Mitch McConnell on the TV screen, and the hearing is so bad I say What? What? What? all day in response to whoever, I must be driving them crazy, they're beginning to get a tic in their right eye, the leg cramps are really embarrassing at Wal-Mart, you know the jumping up and down and holding on to the cart, and this arm is going numb, is it the computer time or arm cancer, fatigue, man, it is really bad, probably leukemia, and the sticks in my heart just before bed, you know taking the baby aspirin and wondering if this is the night, the breathing and taking the inhaler, can't last much longer like this, wham bam in the night, and it's lights out Bucko, and the toes, jeez, with the toe that laps over the other one and you can't get a shoe on, and the fact you can't see to cut the toenails makes it possible to catch small rodents with them they are so long, the blood sugar is 410 and I ran out of the pills for high blood pressure. Excuse me now…I have to go to the bathroom. How you feeling?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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