Back and to the Left news today will bring you one of our world famous fifty second reviews, nothing is safe from our team of reviewers critical eye. From operatic master pieces to sculptures made primarily of llama excrement. Today's subject is "Uncle Happy's And Aunty Laugh's A lot's Good Time Summer Fun Camp". A fun place to take the family for a summer holiday? Or a nightmarish hellhole with all the charm of a tick and the fun of the AIDS virus?
This is only given as "behind some trees just of Clive Sullivan way". The camp itself is located just off the dual carriage way and is set within the old perimeter fence of a WW2 POW camp, which specialised in housing prisoners who suffered from extremely infections strains of TB.
It is located on the "water side" of the road and as such is perfectly poised for anyone who wants to take a dip in the river Humber. Or at least walk across the hardened scum on the top.
There are twenty first class chalets available for rent and spaces for up to forty caravans or tents.
A shop selling all the essential British holiday items (sun cream, bucket and spades, morning after pill) and several old tourist maps of Grimsby and the surrounding area.
The swimming pool has a higher urine content than your average porta loo.
There is a wonderful old "holiday hall" (where prisoners used to go to live out their final feverish hours) where many big acts have played. Including Paul Gascoigne who stopped off here on his "community service" tour.
There was the old Jimmy Savile shed where the great DJ used to base himself during his stopovers in the East Riding of Yorkshire. The building with its distinctive blacked out windows, soundproofed walls and dressing up box had been turned into a museum but due to recent allegations it has been closed down.
A bar is situated on site but hasn't been open for several years due to persistent rumours that the owner can't tear himself away from suckling at the real ale taps.
Prices vary throughout the year and will often fluctuate from month to month. We would like to think this would be a mirror to the unpredictable-ness of British whether but we fear it has more to do with the owners severe drink problem.
The camp hosts a number of events throughout the year to keep things lively and interesting. Throughout January they have the annual archery competition in which often involves one of the employees running around while the VIP campers take pot shots at him.
In the winter the staff put on a pantomime show which often attracts many extra visitors to the camp. Although last year's effort was spoilt due to infighting among the cast. It had been rumoured that Carl who had been playing the title role in Aladdin had begun displaying diva like behaviour over the size of his dressing room. After a comment was made about "personal" sizes that Carl took offence too punches were thrown and the show was cancelled. Unconfirmed reports said that the Genie was also killed in the fracas that followed.
The highlight of the year though has to be the end of summer talent show, this year being held on September the 6th in the Freedom centre. This special show brings together the good, the crap and the downright shit for all the family to either enjoy or complain about loudly enough until they are given a refund. This year promises to be an entertainment extravaganza with a whole host of exciting new talent lined up as well as a piece from the camps two liveliest entertainers Carl and Andy. It promises to be (at best) mildly entertaining
Overall the camp is a superb place to take your children if you're willing to have them resent you for the rest of their natural life. There is no charm, no light hearted British seaside resort banter here, only the cold suspicion that the events co-ordinator might be stealing your socks while you use the communal showers.