Over the years the National Football League has strived to do what it takes to make the game of professional football safer.
And no one can argue that we have not come a long way since the days of leather helmets, one bar face masks, and a square football.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has said that he and the NFL will continue to do whatever it takes to make sure that NFL players do not end up all stressed out like Alec Baldwin when they are through with their football careers.
The commissioner is proud to announce that this year the NFL Committee on The Implementing of New Rules has added 10 rules to the NFL Rule Book.
- In keeping with baseball's traditional spirit where managers also wear a baseball uniform, NFL coaches will now be required to wear a football uniform and cleats during the games; the helmet however will be optional.
- Quarterbacks will no longer be allowed to wear a notepad on their wrists with all of the plays. If they cannot bother to memorize the plays then they have no business playing in the NFL and making millions and millions of dollars.
- The practice of pouring Gatorade on a winning coach at the end of a game will be banned; it was cute the first 917 times.
- Since the after-the-touchdown celebratory antics have gotten way out of hand from now on only verbal celebrating will be allowed such as "Yea me," "I'm da man," and "Yippee-ki-yay."
- From now on when a camera pans to a player on the bench and he says "Hi mom," he must now also say "Hi dad" as well. The NFL is all about family and family tradition and it will no longer pretend that players do not have fathers.
- Players will not be allowed to use offensive words such as the "N" word, the "P" word, and especially the "F" word until they're in their cars in the parking lot after the game.
- The age old practice of onside kicks will be discontinued. This silly as hell practice borders on cheating and cheating is strictly prohibited.
- The habit of a player making a tackle and then getting up and jumping around like he's on a damn pogo stick, flexing his muscles, and acting like he just won the Powerball Lottery will be done away with. You are a defensive football player bro, You get paid a ton of money to tackle the player with the ball. Geeesh!
- Quarterbacks will no longer be allowed to yell at their own players when they make a mistake. There is nothing that looks stupider and more non-professional than watching a grown man treat another grown man like he's a little 8-year-old kid. This rule is being named after the worst offender - Tom Brady (The Tom Brady Hollering Rule).
- Effective with the start of the 2013 NFL season no player on any team will be allowed to weigh more than 500 pounds. NFL Football players need to look like NFL football players and not like friggin sumo wrestlers.