Dear Mr. Putin and everyone involved in The Airport Case.
Greetings to you very kindly, and thank you for your time.
I am Big Mother, writing to you on behalf of my sons, Big Brothers here and everywhere around the globe.
First off, please understand that in America the government never takes any actions that will harm other people, especially its own citizens.
And of course it will never act badly toward other people either, unless it has to go to war with them.
With prisoners it is the soul of humanity and would never hurt them, but only keep them comfortably under lock and key so they can do no harm.
And of course that includes caring for them and keeping them alive by force-feeding if needed, which is definitely not a kind of torture, as has been suggested.
Force-feeding by ramming tubes down through the nostrils into the stomach (even if the person is screaming) is a humanitarian act to save lives, and, as with enhanced interrogation or water-boarding, is not really torture. As you know, it all depends on semantics.
Now, I'm writing on behalf of Big Brother in America because I'm sure Big Brother in Russia will understand, especially because of your not so distant history as a Soviet State.
You see, Big Brother in America is a bit reluctant to speak softly because he is afraid of seeming weak and squeamish and not up to the problem. Let us not forget the teachings of George W. Bush and Richard Cheney.
You probably remember similar problems in your own country, as with those terrible Pussy Riot females. Of course everyone understands you needed to put them into jail for several years for the awful terrible things they were saying about you, Mr. Putin, the president.
Sometimes a government just has to act against the smart-Alec upstart talkers and whistle-blowers and do-gooders and protesters who think they're on to something evil and nasty.
Now, as Big Mother looking lovingly onto all my Big Brother sons across the globe, and at the current American government specifically and the recent pleadings and actions of the attorney general, please understand the current issue.
It could happen to any Big Brother anywhere. My motherly advice is that we must get a certain rogue element under control (currently in your airport).
I'm sure you understand this. This person who has ratted out NSA total dominance surveillance and scheming is causing a lot of embarrassment. And even though we've done our damnedest to tell everybody what a slime ball he is, people are still not convinced.
Mr. Putin, we need him transferred to the US, so we can move right along to Show Trial II, following the Bradley Manning Show Trial I, about to wrap up. As you know, Mr. Manning is to be clapped away for the rest of his natural life.
So, I'm sure you see what I'm driving at here as Big Mother. No, of course America won't torture Mr. Snowden or execute him because its Constitution specifies no "cruel and inhumane treatment."
And as you know the Constitution is bedrock and backbone and guide for what America does and everything else.
So torturing him and executing him is really a wild notion and who knows how people might have gotten that idea.
Bradley Manning's experience waiting trial several years in narrow confines, constant harassment, and forced nudity is exaggerated, and anyway was just part of upkeep training and maintaining his fitness as a soldier.
As Big Mother I must confess I don't understand why people are having trouble believing what these Big Brother type governments say. The truth is these governments mean to protect people, and take care of them, and nurture them with kindness, as I already said.
So then, Mr. Putin and everybody involved, please do make sure to send the culprit out of your airport as soon as possible.
Get in there and nab him and drag him squalling and kicking and throw him onto a plane for the US. That will be of inestimable relief to everybody, as well as the just and proper action to take.
And then the US can guarantee there will be no consequences to trade relations and secret treaties with you.
As I have said, best wishes and thank you for your time.