Written by Gee Pee
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Monday, 29 July 2013

Wolverine was born in Canada. He has no mother; his father, Marvel artist Len Wein, is thought to have created him through masturbation, much as the ancient Greeks created the gods who ruled them. In the comic books, however, Wolverine's origin is attributed to the Canadian government (as if the Canucks' scientists were capable of creating anything akin to sheer damn manliness).

Soon after his birth, Wein abandoned Wolverine and, rather than selling him or assigning him to an orphanage, authorities handed him over to The X-Men, a group of freaks and geeks who live in a palatial mansion north of New Yawk, New Yawk, which, for tax purposes, their leader, Professor X, insists is a "school for mutants." Wolverine's actions were then directed by his godfather, Chris Clairemont, under whose direction, Wolverine became a viscous killer.

Among The X-Men, Wolverine, who, as a Canuck, born and bred, found himself wanting in manliness; in fact, he was something of a sissy. He was bullied by the Beast and dominated, sexually and emotionally, by Cyclops and Jean Grey. He got into many altercations, scratching, pulling hair, and biting his adversaries. "He fought like a girl," Professor X confirms, "when he came to us."

The X-Men trained with him in the mansion's Danger Room, teaching him how to give and take punches, and, although he still scratched, pulled hair, and bit, he at least appeared somewhat manlier. (His tendency to pull hair caused the Inhumans' Madame Medusa to fear him.) He pulled hair so often, in fact, that his nails evolved, almost overnight, into adamantine weapons that can project or retract from between his knuckles, whether instinctively or at will.

Wolverine also developed the ability to heal almost instantly from any type of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. Under The X-Men's tutelage, he also stopped wetting the bed when he joined The X-Men, as Professor X would not allow him to continue this childish behavior, calling it "unseemly in a superhero."

When he went to Japan, he found he was able to speak Japanese fluently, although he had never had a lesson. However, to this day, he finds German and Chinese difficult languages to master, even during extended stays in these countries.

After he had become more macho than effeminate, the Canadian government was no longer humiliated by their sissy and decided they wanted him back, as they had invested considerable money in creating him. They sent their elite Fight of Flight commandos, Alpha Flight, to the United States to kidnap him, but The X-Men wanted him for themselves. Money was tight, their mansion was expensive to operate and maintain, and the Infernal Revenue Service had put a lien on their property, denying them tax-exempt status as a school. (The U. S. government is notoriously racist toward mutants.)

After a series of battles that earned fairly good sales, if not critical reviews, Alpha Fight, being the Canucks they are, agreed to a truce with The X-Men, and Wolverine asked for and received political asylum, continuing to service the American mutants.

Meanwhile, he overcompensates for his homosexual tendencies by exhibiting a macho bearing and a super-aggressive attitude that makes him laughable only in comparison with The Mighty Thor and The Incredible Hulk.

"He's still my bitch, though," Cyclops maintains. "He'll always be my bitch."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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