Written by Gee Pee
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Sunday, 28 July 2013

Hot-headed teen Johnny Storm rode his future brother-in-law's crotch rocket through what Reed Richards said was a stream of "cosmic rays" but which, in the comic book sequence during which this scene occurs, off-screen, so to speak, in shadows, beneath a full room, amid wine and roses, looks much like gobs of Richards' ejaculate.

The experience changed both partners forever, as it did onlookers Sue Storm (Johnny's sister) and Ben Grimm (Richards' best "friend"). Johnny would burst into flame whenever he recalled the experience and sometimes hurl fireballs at anyone who approached him. Richards was able to stretch his manhood to extraordinary lengths, pursuing Johnny from blocks away without ever leaving the bedroom they sometimes shared.

Creator Stan Lee, who fathered the Torch upon co-creator Jack Kirby, wanted to call the character the Flaming Torch, but Kirby, who is bisexual, said the name was "too gay." They compromised by naming their love child "The Human Torch."

Mentally retarded because of the traumatic encounter with his future in-law, the Torch was slow to mature, acting childish throughout most of the earlier comic book issues. He especially like to goad Ben Grimm, after Grimm was also turned into a freak by Richards' "cosmic rays" during a premarital tryst between the two "friends." (By now, Richards was calling himself "Mr. Fantastic," a sobriquet he'd received from his girlfriend, Sue, when she saw what an amazing effect Viagra had upon her future fiance.) The Torch was particularly fond of playing grab-ass with The Thing, until Grimm shoved his "thing" a little too far up--uh--there.

In his twenties, the Torch finally managed to pass high school and enrolled in college. However, his marriage to a transsexual Skrull (a Romanian gypsy tribe, as far as anyone can tell) did not go well, nor did his later relationship with Crystal, a lesbian crack addict who belonged to a gang called The Inhumans, and the Torch returned to his homosexual lifestyle, claiming to have been "born gay."

A mystic, the Torch believed in reincarnation and was certain that he had existed in a previous life, albeit as an android created by the spermatozoa of Professor Phineas Horton. Ashamed of his origin, he called himself Jim Hammond and pretended to be a police officer, adopting an impressionable young "sidekick" whom he named "Toro." Soon, Toro became to "flame on," just as his mentor did, and some believe that there may have been more to their relationship than simply a passion for fighting crime.

The Torch later joined the West Coast Avengers, a nudist club for gay, lesbian, and transgender mutants who wore bizarre costumes and performed ballet under such stage names as Starman, Wonder Man, Iron Man, Machine Man, and He-Man. Finally, tiring of the constant bickering among the "queens," he retired from the club to pursue his many love interests among ordinary men, using his Hammond alias. He hasn't been seen since, but the West Coast Avengers believe he has found happiness in his pursuit of his "true calling."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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