Written by Matt Birkenhauer

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Friday, 26 July 2013

image for GOP Platform 2016: Preserving and Protecting Traditional Marriage and Vaginal Probe Laws While Re-visioning the GOP as the Party of the Big, Albeit More Selective, Tent

The institution of marriage is the foundation of civil society. Its success as an institution will determine our success as a theocracy. It has been proven by both experience and selective right-wing social science studies that traditional marriage is best for children. Children raised in intact married families with a mom and a pop, our studies show, are more likely to attend college, are physically and emotionally healthier, are less likely to use drugs or alcohol, engage in crime, or get pregnant outside of marriage. The success of marriage directly impacts the economic well-being of God-fearing individuals.

Furthermore, the future of heterosexual marriage affects freedom. The lack of family formation resulting from gay unions with children not only leads to more government costs, but also to more government control over the lives of its citizens in all aspects. We recognize and honor the courageous efforts of those who bear the many burdens of parenting alone, even as we believe that marriage, the union of one penis and one vagina, must be upheld as the national standard, a goal to stand for, encourage, and promote through laws dicktating marriage. We embrace the principle that all Americans should be treated with respect and dignity, unless, of course, they are LGBT and wish to be responsible and loving parents.

We believe, further, that vaginal probe laws are also the foundation of a civil society. Allowing women, through legislative coercion, to be probed vaginally, should they attempt to exercise their reproductive "freedom," will protect both the lives of the unborn and the moral integrity of child-bearing women in the United States. Children who are born after their mothers are probed vaginally are more likely to attend kindergarten, are physically and emotionally healthier, are less likely to use drugs or alcohol (unless they live in a Red State), engage in crime (unless they live in a Red State), and (we hope) are more likely to vote for Donald Trump. The success of vaginal probe laws directly impacts the electoral prospects of the GOP, because the more children women have, the less likely they are to send their children to college and, consequently, the more likely those children are to vote Republican, when they come of age.

Finally, in our attempt to continue to make The Republican Party the party of the "Big Tent," we uphold the inalienable rights of white Christian men and women, but believe members of certain other suspect groups--among whom we number Mexicans and anyone south of the border, uppity, ugly women who are pro-choice, Muslims of all stripes, anyone associated with the Black Lives Matter movement, all secularists and atheists, and transgender persons--ought to be deemed personae non gratae.

Republican National Committee Chairman
Reince Preibus

CEO and Vice-president of Fortress America
Donald J. Trump

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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