Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Friday, 26 July 2013

image for GOP Platform 2014: Preserving and Protecting Traditional Marriage and Vaginal Probe Laws

The institution of marriage is the foundation of civil society. Its success as an institution will determine our success as a theocracy. It has been proven by both experience and selective right-wing social science studies that traditional marriage is best for children. Children raised in intact married families with a mom and a pop, our studies show, are more likely to attend college, are physically and emotionally healthier, are less likely to use drugs or alcohol, engage in crime, or get pregnant outside of marriage. The success of marriage directly impacts the economic well-being of God-fearing individuals.

Furthermore, the future of heterosexual marriage affects freedom. The lack of family formation resulting from gay unions with children not only leads to more government costs, but also to more government control over the lives of its citizens in all aspects. We recognize and honor the courageous efforts of those who bear the many burdens of parenting alone, even as we believe that marriage, the union of one penus and one vagina, must be upheld as the national standard, a goal to stand for, encourage, and promote through laws dicktating marriage. We embrace the principle that all Americans should be treated with respect and dignity, unless, of course, they are LGBT and wish to be responsible and loving parents.

We believe, further, that vaginal probe laws are also the foundation of a civil society. Allowing women, through legislative coercion, to be probed vaginally, should they attempt to exercise their reproductive "freedom," will protect both the lives of the unborn and the moral integrity of child-bearing women in the United States. Children who are born after their mothers are probed vaginally are more likely to attend kindergarten, are physically and emotionally healthier, are less likely to use drugs or alcohol (unless they live in a Red State!), engage in crime, and (we hope) are more likely to vote Republican. The success of vaginal probe laws directly impacts the electoral prospects of the GOP, because the more children women have, the less likely they are to send their children to college and, consequently, the more likely those children are to vote Republican, when they come of age.

Republican National Committee Chairman
Reince Probus

Chairman
Governor Bob McProbe

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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