Written by Steve Shaw
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Friday, 9 January 2004

I’ve come to realize one great injustice in this world—and that is the punishment, nay, the TORTURE of being made to wait at a stoplight more than once. How many times have you waited at a red light, watch it turn green, and then wait in agony as the losers in front of you slowly creep toward the intersection? Then, just when you believe that there could be some hope for you to make it through, the light suddenly turns yellow. OH NO! you think. THE LIGHTS’ ABOUT TO TURN RED! MAYBE IF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME RUSH, I COULD MAKE IT!! And then, suddenly, the light turns red, leaving you summarily stranded in a pit of despair without hope.

Whenever I find myself in this situation, I can only think of one reasonable, possible solution, and that is to simply blow the stoplight up. I mean, come on! I’ve already served my time waiting for you! Torture me no longer and let me pass!! I simply don’t understand. In the name of all that is good and sacred, why should anyone be subjected to wait at a stoplight more than once?? I wouldn’t wish this upon my greatest enemy.

And when you really stop to think about it, the problem itself doesn’t even really lie with the streetlight, but rather the moron drivers who stand between you and the intersection to freedom! You know exactly who I’m talking about—the soccer moms who are talking on their cell phones and yelling at the kids and then have to be told that the light is green, ultimately wasting two or three precious seconds of driving time!! Time that YOU could be using to GET THROUGH THE LIGHT!!! Sorry, but that absolutely drives me insane! Oh, but that’s not all they do! Oh, how we wish their unremorseful torture would end there, but no, we are not so fortunate. Once these same soccer moms are told the light is green, they decide to scan the freaking intersection and then LIGHTLY step on the gas!! Why on God’s green earth would anyone lightly step on the gas?? The gas pedal doesn’t bite, people! Those genius engineers designed it to go to the floor, so utilize this miracle of science!

As far as I’m concerned, when that light turns green, we might as well all be in a grand prix, because frankly I don’t care how many people are in front of me, pedestrians or not, I and going to SLAM THAT GAS and get through the light on the first stinking time, and therefore spare the agony of having to wait twice!

So the next time you find yourself about to be stuck at a light twice, think like I have, and simply smash the gas with little or no regard for anyone or anything else around you! It’s the American way!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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