Written by Gail Farrelly
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Thursday, 27 June 2013

image for Chimps Demand Retirement Party Now he can sleep late!

It happened as soon as the National Institutes of Health announced this week that "...310 chimps will be retiring from medical research over the next few years..."

One of the chimps said, "Throwing us a party, it's the least they can do, we've put in our time." And the chimps weren't at all shy about exactly what kind of a party it should be. Here are a few of the things they demanded:

-- No kids invited. As one chimp pointed out, "For many years, we've put up with pesty kids making faces at us. Enough! Let them stay home and make faces at their parents."

-- Although the chimps love bananas, they want a different banana-based treat at the party. Banana splits should do the trick, they suggest.

-- Since this is the last hurrah for the chimps, they feel there should be a lot of media coverage. Among others, Diane Sawyer, Matt Lauer, Perez Hilton, and representatives of People Magazine should be invited to the big bash. A chimp pointed out, "If Kim Kardashian gets constant coverage, do we deserve any less?"

-- A gift registry at Bed Bath & Beyond. "We'll be needing furnishings for our new place," one of the chimps explained.

-- Most important of all is the end-of-party presentation of the traditional retirement keepsake, a gold watch. "Time for me to stay put until I see that gold watch on my wrist," said a brazen chimp.

Finally, sleeping late is the main retirement goal of one of the chimps. He used the words of Moss Hart to explain why: "So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o'clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience."

Sounds good to me!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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