Written by Backandtotheleft
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Tags: Animals, pets

Thursday, 27 June 2013

Animal rights groups have brought to BATTL news attention that due to financial constraints more and more people are dumping their pets. This is despicable treatment of a living creature that relys on us for love, support and sustenance.

Aren't we as humans supposed to be inventive and adaptable? Weren't we the ones who put a man on the moon and invented Velcro? If we are this all conquering, nature raping species that we claim to be how come we cant get our shit together enough to look after a few rabbits? BATTL news isn't saying break the bank to keep old Rover for a couple more years, what we are saying is use your pets creatively and the rewards will be huge. Here are three examples to get you started:

Hamster Burgers: Cheap and tasty way of disposing of you unwanted rodents. Not only will pressing their little furry bodies into baps solve your pet funding crisis, but it will also eliminate the possibility of eating a contaminated horsemeat burger.

Cat-A-Pulting: As we all know cats are two things, shit and needy. Both are great reasons to get rid of your cat when you find his vet bills are interfering with your porno budget. However as we all know cats are great at finding their way home so getting rid of them is a challenge. A challenge that should be met head on. First buy a catapult and strap Felix in, next take bets on how far he will be flung and then rake it in when you rig the catapult! Foolproof.

Pay Per View: This bit is going to be easier to understand if we all accept that bestiality exists and that some people will pay very good money to be fucked by a Red Setter. So get yourself a camera and tell pooches to get out on the game because momma needs a new pair of shoes!

Remember these are just some of the thousands of suggestions that have been put forward as part of our "What The Fuck Do We Do With Our Pets Now The Money's Ran Out?" drive. Please feel free to get as inventive as you can with your cost cutting ventures. And remember sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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