Written by Gee Pee
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Tuesday, 25 June 2013

"Nobody is anybody if her body is female and she hasn't been kissed by me."--Sarah Michelle Gellar

"I married her because of her acting talent; she convinced me she was hot."--Freddie Prinze, Jr.

"Who? Oh, wait! I know 'her-the little Jewish girl with no breasts, right?"--Howard Stern


Sarah Michelle Gellar (also known as "Barely There Gellar") was a major Daytime Enema Award-winning actress when, with a little--uh, lot--of help from her friends, she played Buffy Summers on Buffy the Vampire Slayer but, since the end of the series, she has been able to land only minor roles in minor films, often playing a corpse or a cadaver-to-be, which is usually considered the kiss of death in the movie business.

Her biggest claim to fame, besides Buffy, is same-sex kissing. She has kissed virtually every famous woman in the world, which she prefers to do to be controversial instead of appearing nude in films because she has small boobs and her body really, really sucks. She feuds with Alyson Hannigan, who refused to kiss her, and Reese Witherspoon, who is far more successful than Gellar has been able to become.

Youth

Gellar has a huge, well-oiled public relations machine (much bigger than Freddie's). Consequently, nothing about her remains unknown, even to those who want to know nothing about her, can't stand her, think she's a terrible actress and a worse person, do NOT think her nose is "cute," and wish that she would please just go quietly away, into the obscurity that awaits her.

Discovery

Gellar was discovered at age four when she was overheard bad-mouthing McDonald's, claiming that Booger King used only the best earthworms in its products whereas McDonald's "special sauce" consisted of blood, saliva, semen, vaginal secretions, and "boogers." Although McDonald's was able to prove that its product seldom contained boogers, it had difficulty proving that no employee ever made a McHambooger or a McCheesebooger without having first picked his or her nose and did not want to respond in court to Gellar's allegation that she once saw a crippled dwarf serve Chicken McMaggots after crawling out from under the door to a toilet stall in the men's room without washing her hands. As a result, Ronald McDonald, who was representing the burger franchise giant, dropped the charges his client had lodged against the pint-size actress.

Girlhood

Gellar claims to have been born female, despite rumors that she underwent sex-reassignment surgery as a pre-adolescent boy to become a male-to-female transsexual. "She has no boobs," Jennifer Love Hewitt points out, "and her booty, like her alleged talent, is barely there."

Gellar responded: "I was born with a vagina, and I do have boobs, not gross watermelon-boobs like Love's, but boobs, nevertheless. Freddie likes them, and even Howard Stern asked me about them. 'What happened to them?' he wanted to know. 'Where are they? Show them to me.' I would have, too, except that I have a no-nudity clause in my contracts."

BIG BREAK!

Gellar's BIG BREAK! came and went when, with Valerie Harper, the outspoken tot invaded Jacqueline Kennedy's privacy, asking the former first lady what it was like to be married to a high-class gigolo like President John F. Kennedy and whether after she'd had him assassinated for his many infidelities, Jacqueline had "enjoyed necrophilia" with the president's remains. (Jackie said that what a married couple do in the privacy of their own family tomb is nobody's business but their own, to which Gellar replied, "I'll take that as a 'yes.'") As luck, fate, nature, or God would have it, Gellar later played the young Jacqueline Bouvier in the movie A Woman Named Jackass.

The actress also had a BIG BREAK! in 1992, at age 15, when she was asked to play the daughter of a mayor in Swan's Crossing. Her role taught her how to play "dirty pool" (politics), which has helped her acting career, because, it is routinely held, those who have no talent must rely on kissing ass to make a living in Tinsel Town. "Next to me, Gellar's the best ass-kisser in the business," her husband admits. "That's how we met, by kissing Jim Gillespie's ass [i. e., the buttocks of I Know What My Breasts Did Last Summer's director]. Later, we kissed each other's asses."

Susan Lucci Feud

From Swan's Crossing, Gellar moved to Just Us, Chillin, corrupting her young co-star Michelle Trachtenberg while learning to play a slut and a bitch opposite Susan Lucci, the adult film star, who became jealous of the brat when Gellar's excellence in portraying promiscuous and cruel young women (a skill that would serve her well in Buffy), outshone Lucci's own. "We didn't do lunch," Gellar said. Her feuds with her fellow stars would become a continuing theme, Gellar maintaining feuds with such other actresses as:

* Alyson Hannigan
* Jennifer Love Hewitt
* Neve Campbell
* Elizabeth Dushku
* Michelle Trachtenberg.

Buffy

Gellar won a Daytime Enema Award for her work on Just Us, Chillin (and Lucci's additional enmity), which, she hoped would help her win the starring role in a "really stupid show," Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which called for an actress who knew how to play dirty pool, was believable as a slut and a bitch, had minimal talent, carried on feuds with fellow actors, and could perform karate. Gellar, who earned a brown belt in karate as a child prodigy, believed herself perfect for the part. However, to her dismay, she had to audition "about a hundred times" and get naked with the show's creator, Joss Whedon. Her desperation perseverance paid off, and she won the part over the following actresses, with whom she also maintains feuds:

* Julie Benz
* Mercedes McNab
* Charisma Carpenter.

Her reputation as an actress improved slightly as a result of her playing Buffy Summers, a part that extended her acting range by requiring her to:

  • cry on cue
  • choreograph fake fights with other actors
  • pretend to stab people in their chests with a plastic stake painted to look like wood ("With women, always go'' between'' the boobs!" she advises)
  • be promiscuous with regard to having sex
  • act like a brat or a bitch
  • play dirty pool on the set.


Film "Career"

After milking Buffy for all it was worth (144 episodes, as it turns out), Gellar tried to launch a film career, but she ran into a small problem: her lack of talent. Whereas Reese Witherspoon, who starred with her in Crude Intentions, went on to become the highest-paid actress of all time after making Illegally Blonde and other top movies, Gellar decided that it would be wiser and more profitable to follow in Jaime Lee Curtis' footsteps and take "scream queen" roles that required her to play corpses and cadavers-to-be.

As she starred in I Know What My Breasts Did Last Summer, Scream Queen, Simply Resistible, Crude Intentions, Harvard Maimed, Scooby-Doo-Doo, Scooby Doo-Doo 2, Fudge, Fudge 2, and Rerun, her career continued to falter and her star to dim.

Critics contend that more recent roles in Dixieland Tails, The Air I Bleed, The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing For Men, and Addicted to Bad Films will not likely help her to achieve any respect or success as an actress, "and, yet," her manager complains, "she continues to say yes to such trash because, well, she's not being offered any good roles."

David Wirtschafter, the president of the William Morris Agency (which represented Gellar), confided to The New Yorker that the success of Fudge and Fudge 2, which contain some really hot anal retentiveness, "takes our client Sarah Michelle Gellar, who now is nothing at all, and . . . makes her a star, potentially. Suddenly, the Sarah Michelle Gellar space is meaningful." However, miffed at the candid statement, Gellar fired the agency, and her career, as a result, continues to founder.

Personal Life

Gellar has had no personal life since marrying Freddie Prinze, Jr., by whom she has had a dog named Thor.

Selected Filmograohy

* An Invasion of Privacy (1983)
* A Woman Named Jackass (1991)
* Swan's Crossing (1992)
* Just Us, Chillin' (1993)
* Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997)
* I Know What My Breasts Did Last Summer (1997)
* Scream Queen (1997)
* Simply Resistible (1999)
* Scooby Doo-Doo (2002)
* Scooby Doo-Doo 2 (2004)
* Fudge (2004)
* Fudge 2 (2006)
* Rerun (2006'')
* Dixieland Tails (2007)
* The Air I Bleed (2007)
* The Girls;' Guide to Hunting & Fishing For Men (2007)
* Addicted to Bad Films (2007)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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