(Modelled after that brilliant proposal of a former era by Dr. Jonathan Swift.)
The Husbandry Bill having gone down in Flames in the House of Representatives because it apportioned too much nutrition to the poor of this Great Country, We, the Republican members of this August Body, do hereby put forth a
For Preventing the Poor People
in the United States, from Being a Burden on Its Hard-working Fellow Citizens, and for Making Them
Beneficial to the Publick
It is a melancholy Object to those, who travel through this Great Country , when they see the Streets, the Roads, and Apartment Stoops, crowded with what Ayn Rand calls the Lice and the Parasites of both Sexes, importuning every Passenger and Pedestrian for Money. These Moochers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in Calling or Waiting in Line, to beg Sustenance from the Government for their helpless offspring, who, as they grow up either turn Thieves for want of work, or move to a Red State and live off the largess of the U. S. government, or angrily join the Tea Party, moving the Party of Lincoln far more to the Right than is advisable in the present environment.
We think it is agreed by all caucuses within the GOP, that this prodigious number of Poor People, are, in the present deplorable state of the Republic, a very great additional burden; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these Freeloaders sound and useful Members of the Commonwealth would deserve so well of the public, as to have his Statue set up for a Preserver of the Nation.
But our Intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the Poor of this Great Nation; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of hard-working Middle-class Americans, who frequent the many fine and divers eating establishments of our Metropolitan Areas.
There is likewise another great Advantage in our Proposal, that it will prevent those voluntary Abortions, and that horrid practice of Women making their own Reproductive Choices, alas! too frequent among us, sacrificing the poor innocent Babes, no doubt,-- more to avoid the Expense, than the Shame, which would move Tears and Pity in the most Savage and Inhuman Christian breast among us.
We, the Republican members of the House of Representatives, do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration, that the millions of these Moochers who daily suck off the teat of the federal government, since obesity runs rampant among these millions, do hereby serve a useful public function--i. e. as nutrition. A Poor Person will make at least four Dishes at an Entertainment for Friends, and when the Family dines alone, the fore or hind Quarter will make a reasonable Dish, and seasoned with a little Pepper or Salt will be very good Boiled on the Fourth Day, especially in Winter.
We have reckoned upon an Average, that a Poor Person in his or her twenties will weigh about 180 pounds, and in a solar Year if tolerably fed, the weight will encreaseth to 200 Pounds.
We grant this food will be greatly prized as a delicacy,-- and therefore very proper for the Legislators of Our Land, who, as they have already pissed away a great deal of time obstructing useful legislation, must keep up their sustenance.
We can think of no one Objection, that will possibly be raised against this Proposal, unless it should be urged, that the Number of Poor People will thereby be much lessened in the United States. This we freely admit, and it was indeed one Principal design in offering it to the Nation for consideration.
To conclude, let no one talk to us of these and the like Expedients, till he or she hath at least a Glimpse of Hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put our Modest Proposal into practice.
Rep. John Boner, Apologist for the House