Written by joseph k winter
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 20 June 2013

image for Billy "Bombs Away" Clinton Defends "Wuss" at The Lewinsky

Due to controversy over applying the word "wuss" to President Barack Obama, Bill Clinton has felt compelled to clarify his vocabulary, using one of his favorite venues, a nightclub titled "The Lewinsky," located near the White House.

Last night at a prime hour in Club Lewinsky's revels, the pole dancers there working for the Rolita Shylee Pole Dance Ensemble stood aside so that the former President could assume the microphone.

"My fellow Americans," he began.

CNN pronounced this beginning to the speech "cheeky," in view of his locale, and given that many Americans expect a more formal setting for diplomatic verbalese.

"Far be it for me to be offering advice to a sitting President (loud, prolonged boos). So, basically, I'm just passing on an impression from someone near and dear to me who gave me the same advice back in '99, and the conflict with Serbia."

At this point several Shylee Pole Dancers to one side clapped and began chanting,"Hillaree! Hillaree!" Whereupon Mr. Clinton bowed in their direction, and they blew kisses at him.

"But, and it is painful for me to say this, a time comes when we simply must act. It's the duty of all of us in The Free World who honor Democracy and Protecting the People."

There was so much noise at this point Mr. Clinton was forced to pause.

"Now, now . . . Let me say this. I can list any number of people in important political circles who agree with me on this--Representative Peter King, Senator John McCain, Former Vice-President Richard Cheney, our new Secretary of State John Kerry, and of course my colleague George W. Bush!"

At this point cheers erupted throughout Club Lewinksy, and a gigantic screen lit up behind Mr. Clinton with successive advertisings for drinks available half price at that very time.

"Why not try our delicious new pomegranate cocktail, The Testosterone!"

"Yes . . . Ah, please . . . (boos and cheers mixed) I would like to, I would like to . . . continue here. Now, what we're seeing in Syria is not only a red line but a deeply purple line the color of a national bruise, and it is a time when, although seven out of nine in the rebel opposition are militant jihadi types--" (boos).

"No, no, you know at times we must choose our allies very carefully and we have it now, reliably, according to our NSA sources, as well as from Mr. McCain, that these seven out of nine jihadi types have taken a vow indicating their complete cooperation . . ." (deafening cheers)

" . . . including paying for the weapons we provide, in a loan program, with favorable interest rates to the United States . . . "

On screen: "Try our new delicious whiskey sour, The Dignity!"

"So, then, I would also say to my distinguished colleague, Mr. Obama, that taking more action in Syria is imperative in order to avoid an impression of hesitating and floundering, and as I said (reporting on advice from someone very near and dear to me), being a 'wuss'."

(Prolonged noise with shouts of of "Yes! Yes! Yes!")

"I'm almost done here, folks. Now, this polling thing that sixty percent of the American people are against getting involved in Syria, well-- (cheering) No, no. Now listen to me. I know polling. It just means--now listen, listen! It means . . . be clever! Don't get caught!"

The audience was screaming again. And again flashing on to the screen came: "Or try our new and very black beer, The Emperor's New Clothes-Cleaned and Patched!"

"Of course, there is that slight problem of collateral damage in the civilian population if we go ahead and start bombing. But their survivors will thank us for our dedication! I mean they gave me a statue, didn't they? Remember that? And what happened in Libya? Only a thousand collateral damage maybe? As Madalyn Albright once said . . ."

("No! No!" plus a prolonged groaning sound.)

Somehow the focus shifted from Mr. Clinton, with more "Hillaree! Hillaree! Hillaree!" chanting as Mr. Clinton stood down.

Again on screen: "And right now we're developing a new drink you will love! The Hillaree! It has balls!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

66 readers are online right now!

Go to top