Written by Nara Hodge
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Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Hi everyone, and welcome to my world!

My name is Edward Miliband, known mostly as Red Ed and I am fortunate to be Leader of Labour -the true people's party. I am a son of a Marxist millionaire and I live in a mansion worth couple of millions.

As a true socialist I uphold high principles of socialism and dream of creating for all of you a utopian socialist paradise where everyone is equal , or rather equally poor and miserable. I believe in wealth distribution , but not mine, other people's. My wealth is not up for grabs- I need it to maintain my champagne socialist lifestyle. I am sure, dear Comrades, you understand.

I preach what I believe in but I don't do what I preach. I have been lecturing Google on their disgraceful tax avoidance. However, when a millionaire made a donation to my party we accepted his donation in the form of shares to avoid tax! Clever, no? We are tough on other organisation's tax avoidance. We even have our own personal tax avoiders nemesis - the lovely Margaret Hodge. Unfortunately she is too busy giving a hard time to Amazon and Starbucks for avoiding tax to look into Labour donor's alleged tax avoidance incident. Please note the important word ' alleged' used for political correctness reasons.

I am doing my best to lead my people's party in the right direction. It is a very demanding job because even though we are people's party we don't really trust the people and that is why I shall not allow the British people to have a referendum on the EU membership if I come to power. They shouldn't have a say . Labour knows what is best for them.

My life isn't easy. As Labour Leader I have very big shoes to fill. My predecessor Gordon Brown is a distinguished charismatic man with an extremely generous heart. He sold 60% of the UK's gold reserves at rock bottom prices because he wanted the buyers to have the best deal. There is still 40 % left. I might consider asking my chancellor to sell it for a token to beat Gordon's record. This will only happen if you vote for me. Please make it happen. Have faith in me.

My chancellor Ed Balls is my best asset. When it comes to making statements he has an incredible capacity for being overwhelmingly consistent in living up to the alternative meaning of his surname.

I am very committed to my party. On a recent campaign trail I even ventured into the heart of the Prime Minister's constituency. My slim figure immaculately clad in an expensive black suit, my wavy fringe subtly styled I bravely waded into the sea of blue in Witney. Brave Red Ed venturing into David Cameron's backyard. Please note I wasn't wearing a tie, I am a people's man and I appreciate the importance of an understated elegance. I proudly walked up and down Witney High Street taking mental notes of how well the Conservatives run this place. I must pass the tips to Labour Councils in secret. I am so proud of myself. I bet the sight of me posing for photos in central Witney made the Tory boy shiver from fear in his Marks & Spenser shirt!

And last, but not least after 3 years of a deafening silence in every major area of policy-making Balls and I decided to adopt Conservative policies even though we have spent all this time criticising the Government for introducing them. A bit of political plagiarism won't hurt. We have come up with one original policy though -we shall target wealthy OAPs and remove their winter fuel allowance when we are in power. It doesn't matter they have spent their whole lives working, they are wealthy now. We believe in universal benefits but do so not universally,but selectively.

Please do vote for me. If you don't you will miss out on the pleasure of having me as your PM.

Truly yours,

Red Ed

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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