In an interview on Fox News to be aired later this week Bill O'Reilly states, for a fact, that he is on God's speed dial. An advance copy of the interview has been leaked to the general media.
"Yes, I am on God's speed dial," states O'Reilly in the opening segment, "and have been for some time. We are kind of on a first name basis, so to speak." The interviewer seeming incredulous asks O'Reilly, "But Bill, do you expect people to believe this?"
O'Reilly answers, "Of course!"
O'Reilly: "Because I said so!"
Interviewer: "How long have you been on God's speed dial?"
O'Reilly: "Since he called and asked me to do the book on Christmas."
Interviewer: "That was God's idea?"
O'Reilly: "No, of course not! It was my idea; I just let him think it was his idea. He has feelings too, you know."
According to a spokesman speaking on the condition of anonymity, the interview was interrupted by a crippled mail clerk in a wheel chair who accidently entered the studio. According to the witness O'Reilly ripped off his microphone and beat and kicked the young woman until a crew member rescued her and wheeled her out of the studio. Evidently, O'Reilly straitened his tie, returned to the interview, smiled benignly at the interviewer and said softly, "Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord." The interview continued:
Interviewer: "Bill, do you know of any others that are on God's speed dial, you know like the Pope?"
O'Reilly: "Yes, he has spoken to me about the new Pope, you know, wanted my advice."
Interviewer: "What kind of advice?"
O'Reilly: "Well, frankly, he was pissed off. He said to me: "Bill here I go and help this guy get the smoke blown up the chimney for him and he starts talking about wanting the church to be poor. What kind of talk is that? Pardon the expression but why the hell did he think I gave downtown Atlanta to them!? Geesh Bill, what kind of thinking is that? Could you talk to him?" Of course I said I would."
Interviewer: "Well Bill, sounds like he may be asking you to sit on his right hand one day?"
O'Reilly: "Well," he hesitated, "I'm not exactly use to playing second fiddle you know. On the other hand, maybe it will be time for there to be a new Boss in town," he smiled mischievously and said, "God willing, of course!"